At Home in Hespeler

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

There’s always been an equation in regards to The Rolling Stones:

Mick Jagger loves money > Mick Jagger hates Kieth Richards

It was always the one factor that made you think a 50th anniversary tour would be a go. However, recent news that a tour will not happen in 2012 leads one to think that the equation has changed. So what then to make of the news that the Stones will be going into the studio “later in April… just to throw some ideas around.”

One hopes what we can make of it is that a) a new Stones album is coming and b) the old Fleetwood Mac theory that tension makes great records.

I’m not generally sympathetic to stars who want to whine how hard they have it, and last year I started the new year by having a go at Kim Cattrall for complaining about a fan asking for a picture at an upscale (very upscale) eatery. As well, I’m not a Katy Perry fan, so how do I end up being on Perry’s side in the current controversy regarding her statements on fame in Teen Voque. Well, because she said being famous is a pain, and it most surely is. About her fans, however, she didn’t say anything negative. In fact, I love what she said about fans:

I still want to be as approachable and reasonable as possible – when I meet fans and their crying, I’ll say, “Calm down, there’s nothing to cry about. I’m not going to bite you, or attack you, or grant you three wishes.

Fame sucks, but the fans are great, what’s controversial about that? Yet this week, Perry is backtracking, stating, “the fame quote was spoken in jest.” No it wasn’t, stand by what you meant: love the songs, love the fans, not so much the other stuff.

Frankly, Perry has always struck me as someone who set out to be a singer, and got caught in the fame (as compared to say, Lady Gaga, who caught the fame bug).

She should find a way to keep singing without the glare of the spotlight. Time to form a band perhaps, or do some cameos. In short, do the Joss Stone circuit

It’s crazy poker week he at Fluffernutter World Headquarters, and rock singers are wild. First up is Axl Rose, with his Davey Jones dance moves and his childlike egocentricity.

Years since he’s done anything of note, years since he’s produced listenable music, he’s still such a diva. Exhibit #umpteen-thousand happened this week when Rose released a letter declining his induction into the rock and roll hall of fame. The letter is so obviously from the mind of an out of control, arrogant moron, yet something that could only have come from Axl Rose.

I respectfully decline my induction as a member of Guns ‘N’ Roses to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. I strongly request that I not be inducted in absentia and please know that no one is authorized nor anyone be permitted to accept any induction for me or speak on my behalf.

Offering to match Rose’s disinclination to induction, Courtney Love saw Rose’s letter to the hall and raised him one wild accusation against a respected member of the rock community.

In a twitter tirade against Dave Grohl this week, the widow Cobain claims Grohl hit on her teenage daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. While the press bent over backward to poo-poo the claim based on the incontrovertible evidence that Grohl’s a nice guy and Love a whack job, the teenage daughter in question had the best response:

While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I’ve never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy. Twitter should ban my mother.

Did you get that Dave Grohl? Being hit on by you would be gross. For the record, Grohl himself also denies any advances towards the Miss Cobain, and with her denial, that pretty much seems to settle that.

Breaking News: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are engaged.

With presses duly stopped, the story of Pitt designing the ring he gave to his now fiancé. The “massive” ring was spotted when the couple were out and about Wednesday night.

Pitt and Jolie have been dating for seven years, when Pitt left his wife Jennifer Aniston for his now fiancé, Jolie. The pair have six children together, three adopted, a daughter born in 2006 and twins born in 2008.

At least we know he’s not marrying her because he has to.

Fluffernutter Angelina Jolie, Axl Rose, Brad Pitt, Courtney Love, Dave Grohl, Frances Bean Cobain, Guns 'n' roses, katy perry, Kieth Richards, Mick Jagger, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Rolling Stones

Here’s a new video from, “Mick Jagger’s new band,” Superheavy. What happened to his old band? you ask. Something about Kieth, a book, and the size of Mick’s -ahem -intromittent organ.

Mick’s femme-fatale co-singer in Superheavy is Joss Stone:

In other news, Warrant Singer Jani Lane was found dead yesterday. I’ve always had a soft spot for those 80’s hair band power ballads, and Heaven is one of the best.

RIP Jani Lane ( 1964-2011)

Cool For Cats Cool For Cats, Heaven, Jani Lane, Joss Stone, Mick Jagger, Superheavy, Warrant

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Last week we reported Lindsay Lohan was involved in an investigation over a missing piece of jewellery.

On Monday, Lohan was charged with felony grand theft for stealing the $2,500 necklace.

Her attorney, having seen the evidence, says the case is defensible. Lets see now: video of Lohan wearing necklace in store; police notified necklace missing; police notify Lohan they will search her house; Lohan assistant returns necklace.

Am I missing something? Either it was loaned to her, in which case Lohan has some piece of paper indicating that, or it was not loaned to her. Produce the receipt for loan of the jewellery, and it’s defensible. Otherwise, it seems pretty open and shut.

Pretentious, self righteous Pink has decided to poke in the eye the paparazzi. Bearing in mind that paparazzi take pictures of people who don’t want their picture taken, thus who don’t pose for those pictures, Pink’s logic is strange:

…because the paparazzi of today have absolutely no photographic skill or artistry whatsoever, and their pictures are hideous. I’m going to post a self-portrait I took yesterday morning… 3 wks (weeks) of photo classes for me and I am already a far better photographer than anyone of them…

In short, just because you make money doing something, don’t think that means you have talent.

OK, I’ll bite: how much money has Pink made as a singer?

Will they or won’t they? The Rolling Stones have been rumoured to be well into the planning stages of a fall 2011 tour. But there’s a tiny, um…, fly in the ointment. It seems Mick Jagger is not talking to Keith Richards after his biography, and later in an interview, Keith referred to Mick’s “tiny todger.”

For those who don’t get English witticisms, tiny todger is euphemism for “he is a bigger dick than he has.”

Things are no better in the Guns’n’Roses camp, where Slash and Axl Rose haven’t had much to say to each other since the early 1990’s.

Recently Slash has made noises about reuniting the original Guns’n’Roses, assuming Axl approached Slash, apologies ‘n’ hand.

Keep waiting.

On his Twitter account this week Rose said:

Contrary to anyone’s claims there are no concrete plans, nor where there ever for a tour and certainly not to replace anyone in the band, beyond a collection of random ideas thrown out by various individuals without any real foundation

Can’t he just say Slash has a tiny todger and be done with it?

Gary Moore (1952-2011)

Gary Moore was one of the greats of the electric guitar, full stop. Less known than many other guitar heroes, Moore was nonetheless one of the very best.

Best known for his work in Thin Lizzy and as a solo artist, Moore was a top player in the rock world for fourty years.

Born in Belfast, he left in 1969 at age 16 to join a band, Skid Row, in Dublin.  There, he would play with Phil Lynott, who would later draft him to play in his band, Thin Lizzy.

To understand the mark Gary Moore has left in the music world, you need to follow some classic musicians on twitter. His passing this week of a suspected heart attack is being mourned by many. One of the true greats and, by all accounts, a fine human being.

RIP Gary Moore.

Fluffernutter Axl Rose, Gary Moore, Guns 'n' roses, Keith Richards, Lindsay Lohan, Mick Jagger, Pink, Rolling Stones, Slash, Thin Lizzy

One likes to believe in the freedom of music.

Rush – Spirit of Radio.

Gibson Guitars had a list of the top 50 front men (and women) of all time on their webpage. Actually, they had two lists: one put together by Josh Todd of Buckcherry, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback and Ric Olsen of Berlin, plus staff at Gibson.com. The other list was chosen by readers. Here’s the top 10 of each list:

Gibson

1.Mick Jagger
2. Freddie Mercury
3. Robert Plant
4. Elvis
5. James Brown
6. Jimi Hendrix
7. Michael Jackson
8. Roger Daltrey
9. Prince
10. Jim Morrison

Readers

1. Freddie Mercury
2. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden)
3. Marc Bolan
4. Bon Scott
5. Robert Plant
6. Brian Johnson
7. Mick Jagger
8. Bono
9. Robin Zander
10. Elvis

We can pick and natter about the list, and ultimately that’s what these lists are for. So lets:

Really? Freddie Mercury is pretty much the undisputed best? Really?? While the “experts” pick Jagger, the readers placed him well enough down the list to make Freddie indisputable. One suspects however that too many fans think of Mick circa 2005, or 1995, when he looked like a skeletal old man refusing to acknowledge his age. Longevity has it’s curses…

There is an argument to be made that Elvis wasn’t really a front man, he was the act. And if we are allowing guys like Elvis, why not Frank Sinatra? Could you make a list of front men, and not have Sinatra on the top 25, never mind the top 50? Hell, Neil Diamond is there. And not to pick on Elvis, the same questions apply to Jackie Wilson, Otis Redding, Garth Brooks and, too a lesser degree, Chuck Berry, Little Richard and Elton John &tc….

And what’s this about Stephen Tyler being at #11 on the Gibson list and #22 on the fan list, yet Rod Stewart is #22 on the Gibson and doesn’t make the fan list? People don’t seem to realize how much Tyler copped Stewart’s Faces act. Oh, I know, I know, he copped Jagger not Stewart. Except other than looking kinda, sorta like Jagger, there is little comparison. He dresses more like an early 70’s Keith than Mick, but his stage stuff is all Stewart. The scarves hanging off the microphone, the dragging the mike stand around the stage. All Rod, before Aerosmith came along. Granted, Tyler uses silk scarves and Stewart football scarves, but that’s details. The point is, if Stephen Tyler is to be so high on the list (and don’t get me wrong, he belongs up there), then Faces era Stewart belongs in that neighbourhood.

Quibbles and Bits,however, as the dog is always saying when we argue philosophy (these discussions usually involve vodka). If Gibson readers think Freddie Mercury over Bruce Dickinson, then I’ll not argue. He wouldn’t top my list – and you know there’ll be a list – but then again, Bruce Dickinson? Not on my list.

Dickinson and Robin Zander. When I said top front men, did Bruce Dickinson and Robin Zander come to mind? Iron Maiden and Cheap Trick’s front men? Is Zander even Cheap Trick’s guy, wouldn’t Rick Neilson really qualify as Cheapest Trick? But lets face reality. A couple of fan web sites put fans on notice there was a readers poll and a “lets get Robin to the top of the list,” button. Even accounting for that, however, Marc Bolan? Who’d a thunk it?

For those who don’t know, Marc Bolan was the leader of T. Rex, although that was by no means his only band. T. Rex had a significant American hit with Bang a Gong. Bolan was their singer and guitar player, had male model good looks (in fact he did some modelling), the requisite big curly hair, and played a Les Paul on stage. He is credited with inventing Glam Rock, what we here in America tended to call Glitter. Think Ziggy Stardust era David Bowie, and you have Glam (or think Cherrie Currie dressing up as David Bowie in “The Runaway’s” and you’re there).

T. Rex released nine albums from 1970-1977, a decent output, to put it mildly. In fact, Bolan’s discography is impressive. In September 1977, however, Bolan was killed in a car crash, a passenger in a purple mini, in London. He was two weeks shy of being 30.

The thing is, I have never, ever, had somebody mention how good Marc Bolan is to me. In all the years, and all the music conversations, never once has his name even come up. It’s not a name that would have ever occurred to me. And to be clear, I’m not poo-poohing the idea that Bolan is the third best front man ever: I have no idea if he is or not. I have zero frame of reference.

Or at least I had no frame of reference. What did we do before the internet? Before YouTube?

Marc Bolan fan: Marc Bolan is the greatest.
me: Is he now?
Marc Bolan fan: Don’t argue with me, I’m telling you
me: Never seen ‘im.
Marc Bolan fan: Well you should check out… um…er…

But with YouTube, there he is, in full purple colour (the 70’s were incredible for music, but they really were a crime against fashion). He is more charismatic than athletic, all good looks and pretty smile. The physical manifestations of the job he leaves for others, the heavy Les Paul keeps him pretty rooted in spot. But for that, he’s not bad. I see what they are talking about, although he’s not about to make my list.

My list: you knew it was coming… here it is, my list of the top ten (plus some)front men (and women).

1. Roger Daltrey – he moved constantly, he had all that blonde curly hair. He had the most powerful voice in rock, and didn’t have trouble singing on stage. He would twirl his microphone by the cord sending it twenty feet in the air and during Who Are You he ran on the spot through the whole song. In Won’t Get Fooled Again he offered up the greatest scream in rock and roll, that counts here.

2. Mick Jagger – Not tired old guy circa now Mick Jagger, but the young Mick Jagger that preened and pranced. Pre 1980’s Mick who exuded sexuality out of every pore. Once he put on the knee pads it was pretty much over, but I’ll even give him the knee pads tour of 1981. Mick pretty much invented the genre and virtually everybody else is an imitator to one degree or another. He deserves to be much higher than seven.

3. Robert Plant – The best band in the world, bar none (even the dog doesn’t argue that point with me). By a long, long shot. Heads and shoulders above the next. So how low can their front man be? Not below 3, that’s how low.

4. Bruce Springsteen – Even now he fronts an energy packed band, never stopping, never seeming to breathe for two, two-and-a-half, three hours. If you’ve never seen him, it’s exhausting. And yet, those in the know will tell you he’s nothing compared to what he was in 1978.

5. Janis Joplin – Rent the DVD Festival Express and skip to Cry Baby. Those chills running up and down your spine, that’s why Janis Joplin is not just the token woman on this list.

6. Russel Mael – Every one who makes one of these lists, every critic needs their obscure, arty band to prove their bona fides: Sparks are mine.

7. Stephen Tyler – He really is good, no matter who did what first.

8. Alice Cooper – He hung himself, onstage, with mascara running down his face. He wore a boa constrictor for a necklace. He danced with a corpse, and with skeletons in top hat and tails (with walking sticks, naturally). That stuff counts for something.

9. Rod Sewart – Of the Faces, not of Do You Think I’m Sexy. He tied scarves around his mike, duct taped the mic to the stand and taught Stephen Tyler how it’s done – the tutu is a but much though.

10. Freddie Mercury – I have no frame of reference having never seen Queen live or watched any Queen concert footage, but if he’s #2 for the Gibson experts and #1 for their readers, that’s good enough for me.

10a. Elton John – The electric boots, the mohair suits: OK that technically isn’t Elton John, but he has worn both. Also, he has dressed by like Luis XIV, worn oversized glasses with windshield wipers on them and played Crocodile Rock on stage opposite a crocodile. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be entertainment.

10b. Ian Hunter – The shades, the rock star hair and cockney accent. Ian Hunter was still doing Glam in 1980, and getting away with it. You couldn’t get away with Glam in 1980.

10c. J.Geils – More fun on stage than anybody you have ever seen, that has to count for something.

10d. David Lee Roth – He can jump microphone high, and do the splits. He wore yellow jumpsuits. He once said, “I’m not like this because I’m a rock star; I’m a rock star because I’m like this.” Some people are born to be front men, some have front men-ish-ness thrust upon them. Diamond Dave is of the former.

10e. Bob Seger – Since we’re allowing Bruce Springsteen…
The most fun you will ever have at a concert.

The Freedom of Music, The Mighty Zep, This Week on my I-Pod Aerosmith, Bruce Dickinson, Cerrie Currie, David Bowie, Elvis Presley, Faces, Frank SInatra, Freddie MErcury, James Brown, Kieth Richards, Marc Bolan, Mick Jagger, Neil Diamond, Queen, Robert Plant, Robin Zander, Rod Stewart, Rolling Stones, Stephen Tyler, The Runaways, The Who

One likes to believe in the freedom of music.

Rush – Spirit of Radio.

What’s going to save the music industry from itself? You know what I mean, that whole CDs, golden goose, dead thing. To hear the rockstars and industry execs tell it, sharing files – they call it pirating for Gods sake – will ruin the industry. Who’s going to make music if you can’t make obscene amounts of money doing so?

“Make a few bob and then open a hairdressing salon,” Ringo Starr answered when asked what he hoped to get out of The Beatles. It was The Beatles first trip to the United States, and the press was already asking “what next?” I’ll make enough money to start a little shop, thought Ringo. By the time I get around to writing Octopuses Garden, I’ll have no one to sing it to except my customers. They probably all thought that: A bookstore for John; a music store for George; a hat store for Nigel (Tufnel, the oft forgotten sixth Beatle).

Who indeed?

During a television interview aired worldwide before The Who’s live simulcast farewell concert from Toronto in 1982, Roger Daltry talked about the band’s habit of breaking their equipment at the end of their shows: ‘we would run into a store, grab a guitar off the wall and run out again saying over our shoulder, I’ll pay you later,’ he said. ‘We didn’t make any money until the mid-70’s.’ Yet they managed to come out with Tommy and Who’s Next, alternatively known as the greatest rock opera and the CSI soundtrack album.

Kiss would work their way to the west coast, and have to book gigs, any gig, to eat and travel their way back to New York. Ever seen those early Kiss shows? Phenomenal. They were hungry, they had attitude and they were good. They started making money around the time of the Destroyer album. They stopped making listenable music exactly around the Destroyer album. “They prostituted themselves,” a high school buddy said one day about Beth. I rather think not, think Beth was in retrospect, a reasonably heartfelt song. It was immediately after Beth that the Kiss act became red-light. “This is a great Rod Stewart song,” Paul Stanley told the band about Hard Luck Woman, hoping to sell the song to Stewart. That, my friend, is prostituting yourself.

Nobody got into the music business for the business potential until sometime in the late 70’s or early 80‘s. Before that, even the big stars figured by the time they were 30, then 40, they wouldn’t be acting like rock stars. Mick Jagger said once that he couldn’t imagine running around a stage when he’s 60. He knew then what he refuses to acknowledge now: that he’s become somewhat absurd. But somewhere late in the 70’s, early in the 80’s guys started choosing rock star as a career option. It is considered a remarkable coincidence that people stopped making rock music that was transcendental at the same time.

Who am I kidding? The moment musicians stopped thinking I’ll give it all I got until I’m 28 or so, then get a real job is the moment music changed. If you imagine music as a career, what you’re going to do for the rest of your life, then you’re not about to go out on a limb because you believe from the depths of your soul that the 3rd bar in the 2nd verse should be a C#m instead of an E. If the record company guy, the one in the charcoal suit, says it should be an E, then who are you to withhold the master tapes and risk your future until he concedes your point? And while one C#m may not matter in the grand scheme, once you concede the 3rd bar in the 2nd verse, then why not cut the solo because nobody does solos anymore? And why not rewrite the last verse to make it more radio friendly? Never mind that you talked to God on that solo, or the third verse was absolute poetry, this is about selling records. So why not let the art director from the design department design your album covers, why worry your pretty little head over artistic direction? After all, it’s not art, it’s business.

While the artists were busy working for the man, the people who buy the product, the important line in the supply and demand curve, stopped buying. Instead they, ahem, stole it. Not stole as in left the store with a product, stole as in they took a bunch of 0’s and 1’s that one person voluntarily put on their computer, and moved them to your computer without removing or in any way changing them. Want to talk about the law? Here’s a basic law of economics: price = scarcity. Without scarcity, there’s no need for price. Computer files are technically an unlimited resource. They can be duplicated an infinite number of times without experiencing any degradation of the original file. And if you can duplicate something ad-infinitum, you can’t impose a price on it in the long run. Notice I said can’t, not won’t or shouldn’t, but can’t. You cannot impose a price on something that has no scarcity. And if you can’t impose a price on a music file, the business model of the career recording artist falls apart.

My favourite theory is that recording will become the incidental effort, to promote the live experience that the musician offers. Sooner or later musicians will give away files, sell records and CDs to those (say, me) who must have them, but will make their money for what they do today, or rather tonight, not what they did back in 1982. For this to happen, some things within the industry will have to change, not the least of which is the expectation that musicians should be paid in perpetuity: musicians will have to be first, and always, musicians. Brittany Spears need not apply, we need people who can step on a stage, and sing, or play their instrument; the idea that a concert should be a spectacle will have to end. If you need a ten piece band and dancers – especially if you need dancers – then you can’t be expected to turn a profit on tour. No profit, no performance, it needs to be that simple. A five man band giving it their all, ala the Stones 1972 can be profitable work. An eleven man band playing Jumping Jack Flash while Mick, Keith and Ronny prance and preen ala the Stones now, no Dice, Tumblin’ or otherwise; prices need to come down. Sure Roger Waters or Madonna can carry a circus act, tractor trailer loads full of bricks and flying pigs, then charge $150, but nobody else can. Fourty dollars to hear some band on the margins is too much, they need to be able to play, profitably, for less, maybe a lot less. The trick is get enough people in the seats for $20, and sell them shirts, ring-tones, iPhone cases and downloads of the show.

I mention this because it is, I think, the future, and it is coming sooner than most believe. Here’s an item from this weeks paper:

Christina Aquilera has announced a 20-date North American tour… in support of her upcoming album Bionic. Fans will receive a digital copy of the album with every ticket purchased before June 4.

Give away the music, sell the concert. It’s a new idea, and will take some working out, but it’s economically viable. To put it simply, performance is a scarce commodity, one that can be charged for. As it gets harder and harder to collect on the bits and bites sitting on your hard drive, it will become more viable to look to the performance of music to make a living.

What’s going to save the music industry from itself? That’s easy: musicians. And when they do, music consumers will be better off for it.

The Freedom of Music, This Week on my I-Pod Beatles, Beth, Bionic, Brittany Spears, Christina Aquilera, CSI, Destroyer, George HArrison, Hard Luck Woman, John Lennon, Jumping Jack Flash, Keith Richards, Kiss, Madonna, Mick Jagger, Nigel Tufnel, Octopuses Garden, paul stanley, Ringo Starr, Roger Daltry, Roger Waters, Rolling Stones, Ron Wood, The Who, Tommy, Toronto, Who’s Next