At Home in Hespeler

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

It was a dark and stormy night. The gates of the Bayside Prison for Men were locked, and officer Belding was doing the rounds of Cell Block D. Suddenly the quiet was disturbed by a Screech coming from the shower.

A prisoner suddenly appeared and sprinted down the hall.

“Morris, slow down. No running in the cell block,” called out officer Belding.

“Sorry sir,” Zach Morris responded, as he slowed to a quick walk until he was around the corner, where he picked up his sprint again. He made it to the showers in time to see Screech, his long time friend, with his pants around his ankles. Max, an inmate so large he was referred to as ‘The Max’ was holding a bar of soap and unzipping his prison fatigues. “Put down that soap,” Zach yelled.

He didn’t. Instead, five other large prisoners stepped out from the shadows. “Oh look Kapowski,” the one with the soap said to Screech. “Your buddy Spano is here.”

Zach was grabbed by two inmates and thrown into the showers, banging his head off the shower knob. Lying on the wet floor, he looked directly into the camera and said, “I kind of wish Mario Lopez had agreed to this reunion show right now. This isn’t going to end well.”

“This isn’t going to end well” is exactly what I thought when I heard that Dustin Diamond, aka Saved By The Bell’s Screech Powers, could be sentenced to prison time for his part of a bar fight last December.

Screech, err Diamond, allegedly stabbed Casey Smet in the hand. This week he was convicted of misdemeanour charges of disorderly conduct and carrying a concealed weapon. He could face up to a year in prison for the two offences (nine months for the weapon offence, 90 days for the disorderly conduct).

It’s one thing to be the toughest guy in a bar fight in Santa Monica. It’s a whole other issue going to prison with a bunch of guys who grew up watching you as Screech in Saved By The Bell.

This isn’t going to end well, indeed.

It’s a longstanding Fluffernutter rule: I don’t do Kardashian stories in any way, shape or form.

That goes double this week.

This months Forbes magazine has a list of America’s Richest Self-Made Women. The cover features Jessica Alba, whose company The Honest Company is evaluated at $1-billion, with revenue of $10-million. Alba herself is said to be worth about $200-million.

Hmmm, Jessica Alba marriage material, never saw that one coming.

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Fluffernutter Dustin Diamond, Jessica alba, Mario Lopez, saved by the bell, screech, zack morris

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Life in Prison:

No, not another Lindsay Lohan story. In this case it’s Joseph Hyuangmin Son, more commonly known as Austin Powers villain Random Task.

Son was convicted of a 1990 Christmas Eve gang rape in Huntington Beach California. DNA evidence was unable to connect the actor to the rape until 2008.

He was sentenced this week to life in prison.

I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that life in prison in California is a bit nastier than taking up painting, the way Ms. Lohan performed her less severe sentence.

Oh, this can’t be good. There’s a new show coming up called H8R (hater, for those of us over 40 (IQ) who don’t get the abbreviations kids are using these days), in which the some celebrity confronts an on-line “hater.”

Hosted by Mario Lopez, H8R sets up scenarios where celebrities ambush their biggest haters… the celebrity then spends a little time with the hater, to try and change his or her mind.

Jersey Shores Snooki, for example, walks up to one of her haters and says, “I saw your rant about me. You don’t even know me. What is wrong with you?”

A battle of wits with Snooki? The knees tremble at the thought. Good thing I have no clue who she is and don’t think I’ve ever mentioned her before.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out front to wait Sean Penn and Mario Lopez.

The envelopes are still sealed, but we already know Paul McCartney will be one of the winners at the 54th annual Grammy Awards on Feb 10th.

McCartney is going to be honoured as the 2012 MusiCares Person of the Year for both his “creative accomplishments and his charitable work.”

The 69 year old Knight has won 14 Grammy’s previously.

On Wayne’s World, Wayne and Garth attend an Aerosmith concert. Trying to access the backstage area after the show, Wayne protests to the security guard, “my girlfriend is back there.”

“A lot of guys girlfriends are back there,” the security guard replies.

It’s one thing being a young man, and losing the girlfriend to Aerosmith. It happens. It’s another world altogether when your middle aged, and the guy guarding the backstage area of the Casino, where the guys from Journey are popping Geritoil and drinking Midol, says, “A lot of guys wives are back there.”

If you are one half of publicity hound couple, and White House gate crashers, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, that’s exactly what you were told, figuratively if not literally.

Tareq reported “Real Housewife of DC” Michaele missing this week, claiming she was kidnapped. She wasn’t.

It turns out she had run off with Journey guitarist Neal Schon, and didn’t want Tareq to know where she was. “She and Neil are together, in Memphis, for Journey’s concert tonight,” Journey representatives Scoop Marketing announced.

Translation: a lot of guys wives are back there!

First no Mario Lopez at my door, now I don’t receive a cease and desist from Scarlett Johansson’s lawyer.

Doing a celebrity column, it is possible I should hang my head in shame and I accept this judgement.

This week two pictures of Johansson, wearing nothing but her Keds, as the old song goes, was leaked online. The catch is, she took the picture herself. The leak itself seems to be the work of hackers, and therefore, the picture itself is illegally acquired. Hence, the ceases and desists.

Maybe if I say some nasty things about Ms. Johansson, she will knock on my door and ask, “what is wrong with you?”

Fluffernutter Aerosmith, Joseph Hyuangmin Son, Journey, Mario Lopez, Michaele Salahi, Neal Schon, Paul McCartney, Random Task, Scarlett Johannson, Sean Penn, Snooki, Tareq Salahi