?Saturday Fluffernutter: The End is Nigh Edition
Ashton Kutcher has told Men’s Health that he keeps himself in tip top shape to “prepare for end days.” Kutcher apparently believes, rather ardently, that a technological Armageddon is coming, and if you don’t practice Krav Maga and yoga (the latter in blazing hot temperatures), you will not survive the apocalypse.
In honor of the New Year, we here at Fluffernutter World Headquarters, situated in a bus buried under 10 feet of solid clay somewhere south and west of Guelph, offer this years best fluffernutters or, as we prefer to call them, signs of the Apolalypse:
All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities
From the “perhaps we can just forgo the whole horseman drama and go straight to separating the sinners and the faithful,” department:
If Mariah Carey is pregnant is a sign of the apocalypse, what is Mariah Carey is expecting twins a sign of?
Surely not just that the IQ of the Carey/Cannon household will soon approach triple digits?
And hey, who’s that guy with the beard and sandals?
Justin Beiber: Minute 16.
A couple of weeks ago Justin Beiber lashed out at a fan looking for an autograph. Famous for about a year, Beiber is already tired of all these kids, children really, throwing their money at him. If only they would go away, he could enjoy his fame in peace.
Last weekend Beiber was accused of assaulting a 12 year old boy at Planet Lazer in Vancouver. While playing he hit/ran over the lad, who complained to management, and then police.
The boy says he hit him, Beiber says it was an accident. I say Justin Beiber’s fifteen minutes are up.
Madonna is rumoured to have dumped her 24 year old Latin lover, Jesus Luz for Brazillian dancer Brahim Rachiki.
For the record, Madonna lists herself as a “children’s author” amongst other things on her CV. Here’s a tip: if you are buying your children books by Madonna, you’re a bad parent!
If you are using Madonna as a role model for your kids, pre-teen, teen, young adults, you are a bad parent.
Want to know why society is a mess? Popular TV show Glee! Had a Madonna episode, where they raved about what a wonderful role model she was for young women. Any society, anywhere, who thinks filthy, skanky, slutty Madonna can possibly be a role model, is a mess. Full stop.
Kim Cattrall is one of life’s lucky ones. A good career, success, money. So how does she feel about it?
Recently I was enjoying a quiet lunch in Liverpoo… this guy approaches… He says, “C’mon, stand up – I want a photo with you.” My response was, “I won’t do it. I’m not working right now…”
Quick reminder for Cattrall: this guy you so sneeringly dismiss, he’s the reason you can afford to lunch at Liverpoo.
Boy George was exiled from guy-ville this week, although authorities prefer it be called released from prison. He served 27 days of an eight week sentence and got early release after the other prisoners complained they needed the rest.
Dear Lindsay:
The rules are simple. Here’s how it works. You do your treatment program, you pass two drug tests a week, you stay out of jail.
Two drug tests a week Lindsay Lohan is mandated to take. Two. You know they’re coming. So how does she do? She fails both of them. On two separate, mandatory samples she tests positive for two separate drugs: cocaine on one test, amphetamine on the second. Two tests, two fails, two different drugs.
It’s hard to muster much sympathy for the bail revoked/4 weeks in jail she got for her transgression.
Sigh! Another week, another sex scandal on Sesame Street… wait… what did I just write?
Singer, fashionista and all round ingénue Katy Perry was to appear on Sesame Street this week, performing a song with Elmo (who’s nose feels so good &tc.). Perry, famous for the song I Kissed a Girl was set to perform her single Hot and Cold on the pre-school MTV. The producers of Sesame Street released the clip on YouTube and then pulled it from the show “based on feedback.”
This blog has never, ever been an advocate for the sexualizing of children, and abhors the practice. But frankly, other than some really bad lip synching, there’s nothing wrong with the segment. An argument can be made that Perry is not the kind of role model we want for pre-schoolers (an argument can be made she’s not the type of role model we want for pre-teens, her target audience, but I digress), but this particular clip is tame.
Brad Pitt is a good leftie. He doesn’t believe in the death penalty for, say, someone who kidnaps a child and spends three days molesting them before killing them. Paul Bernardo, as an example, should be spared the death penalty.
But run a company that has an environmental accident?
I was never for the death penalty before, but I am willing to look at it again (for BP executives)
I love the headline in this weeks In Touch. Angelina Jolie, it claims, calls Brad stupid behind his back.
Talk about belabouring the obvious.
Mr. Zeta Jones, Actor Michael Douglas, announced this week he was diagnosed with throat cancer. Mr. Jones will undergo chemotherapy and is “very optimistic,” of a full recovery.
Back in June his son Cameron, from a previous marriage, was sentenced to five years in prison for dealing methamphetamine and possessing heroin. Which just goes to show, even Kirk Douglas’s son, who’s married to Catherine Zeta Jones can have a shitty go of things.
You can, in fact, have it all and legitimately wonder, “why me?”
I saw the Jennifer Aniston ugly duckling photo shoot last week: the one where she makes herself up to look just like Barbara Streisand. A fine example of how to turn beauty butt ugly in one make-up session.
Want to know what my reaction was: “glad I never laminated that list.”
But this Thursday she was on Regis and Kelly, when she said about the photo shoot:
I play dress up. I do it for a living – like a retard.
Cue the professionally aggrieved, specifically Pete Burns, CEO of Arc:
I was extraordinarily offensive and inappropriate. Frankly, someone in her position ought to know better.
Someone in her position? What, an actress? A fairly average actress who if it wasn’t for the fact she has a very cute, girl next door thing going on you would never have heard of? She should know better than who? The President?
You know who should know better than to say really stupid, intellectually challenged, things: people with CEO on the business card.
Mr. Diana Krall, Elvis Costello, this week joined the “shut up and sing,” club. Costello cancelled two upcoming concerts in Israel, stating:
…merely having your name added to a concert schedule may be interpreted as a political act…
This in contrast to cancelling already scheduled concerts, which is an apolitical act.
Last word to Israeli Sport and Culture Minister Limor Livant:
An artist who boycotts his fans in Israel is not worthy of performing in front of them.
Sean Penn pleaded no contest to charges of vandalism this week after he was videotaped kicking a photographer. He was sentenced to 300 hours of community service and three years of informal probation.
How does an assault, on video, become vandalism? What’s the charge for spray painting walls? A speeding ticket?
Russell Crowe, somewhat known for being quick to rile, got upset and stormed out of an interview in England this week. When the interviewer suggested Crowe had a bit of an Irish accent in his new movie, Robin Hood, Crowe became angered and yelled:
What would you be talkin’ about, ya fekin gobsheit! Ya stupid wee man, ya wouldn’t know an Irish accent if it dropped it’s pot of gold on your toes.
He then finished his Guiness and stormed off.
Top signs that Russell Crowe is angry:
- Puts a petrol bomb under your bonnet
- Stands and drops his pants, all the while yelling Pogue Mahone
- Knee-caps you with a hurl.
- Dons an Aaron sweater and says, “I like it too.”
- Drops his pot of gold on your toes.
- Guest edit’s the Globe and Mail
- Bops you on the head with his shillelagh.
Joni Mitchell gave a rare interview last week with the LA Times:
We (Bob Dylan) and I are like night and day, he and I. Bob is not authentic at all. He’s a plagiarist, and his name and voice are fake. Everything about Bob is deception.
Oh, my! Tell us what you really think Joni.
She had more to say regarding Grace Slick and Janis Joplin being drunken tramps – they were “sleeping with their whole bands and falling down drunk” – and Madonna:
Americans have decided to be stupid and shallow since 1980. Madonna is like Nero; she marks the turning point.
Madonna as anti-Christ. There’s an argument I can get behind.
Other revelations in the Joni Mitchell interview:
- The Red Hot Chilli Peppers are neither red, hot nor chilli peppers.
- Jakob Dylan plagiarised his fathers last name.
- The Led Zeppelin song Going to California, heretofore thought to be written about Joni Mitchel, was really written about “That Girl” Marlo Thomas.
- The reason the Toronto Maple Leafs have not won a Stanley Cup in 40 years is that Joni Mitchell cursed them by writing about them in her song Raised on Robbery.
- Jose Feliciano is the judge for the People Magazine’s most beautiful people.
- Bob Dylan mumbles
Sixteen year old singing sensation/tweener heartthrob Justin Beiber commented to People magazine this week about President Barack Obama mis-pronouncing his name at Beiber’s first visit to the White House last year:
He messed up my name, but I give it to him. He’s not (the) age category I sing to. He’s not “one less lonely girl”.
I would have preferred if he had said, “Dude. You can pronounce Netanyahu, but you can’t get Bee-ber? Put it on the teleprompter and get it right next time.” However, the “it’s more than I expect from some old, square guy,” routine that he went with was good too.
Life and Style magazine has gone undercover to find out, which Hollywood big shots have big shooters. The big men about town, in no particular order, we hope, are: Leonardo DiCaprio, Ashton Kutcher, Jamie Foxx, David Arquette, David Spade, Jamie Kennedy, Brian Austen Green, Jaret Leto and Andy Dick.
Noticeably absent from the list is any of those Hollywood loudmouth types (DiCaprio excepted) like Sean Penn or Matt Damon, proving once again, guys with big dicks don’t have to go around acting like they have big dicks.
In an interview with Parade magazine, Elton John angered Christians by stating that Jesus Christ was:
…a compassionate super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems.
US Christians are particularly angry, claiming labelling Jesus a “sexual deviant” is akin to labelling Elton John “fashionable.”
Other little know Elton John religious facts:
- Elton played Candle in the Wind at Jesus’ crucifixion, changing the words to Goodbye, Jesus. Dude
- A recently discovered first draft of an English translation of the bible refers to the holy trinity as The Father, The Captain Fantastic and The Brown Dirt Cowboy.
- John the Baptist also wore powder blue track pants.
- On Halloween 1517, Martin Luther posted a scathing review of the previous nights Elton John concert in Wittenberg on the church door. Pope Leo X, an Elton John fan, declared the review a hearsay and ex-communicated Luther.
- Benny and the Jets is about a Super Bowl III party in the Hampton’s with Pope Benedict, who then went by the sobriquet Benny the Bishop.
- A Priest’s vestments were originally modelled after Elton John’s early stage clothes.
- Elton John was due to appear at Jeuruselum-a-palooza in 1095 when he got a bout of food sickness. Fans rioted, causing the Imams of the Caliphate to issue a crowd control fatwa. The ensuing battle was the First Crusade.John was only able to escape with his life when the Knights Templar snuck him out of the holy city. They would be his bodyguards for the next 1,000 years for which he signed over royalty rights to his Greatest Hits album.
- Jesus’ sandals were made by Gianni Versace.
The Late Shift II: Conan the Leftoutinthecoldian – There really is one story in entertainment this week: Leno vs. O’Brien.
In a redux of 1991’s decision to replace Johnny Carson with Jay Leno instead of heir apparent David Letterman, NBC announced is shaking up The Late Show, once again anointing Leno and leaving hair apparent O’Brien out in the cold.
Leno’s new 10PM show has bombed, and NBC announced they were moving Leno back to 11:30 with a new half-hour show. O’Brien balked at being moved to midnight, telling NBC to go letter their man. Leno will return to the Late Night fold, with Jimmy Kimmel retaining O’Briens old 12:30 slot. And O’Brien? It appears he will take heed of Leno’s advice to NBC when the story started to break last week and travel: Fox, he said, is beautiful this time of year.
Who the long term winner will be is anybody’s guess, but it seem likely there will be one long term loser: Leno’s reputation as a nice guy.
So your Tiger Woods. Your nice guy image is in tatters, your reputation need rebuilding. Your wife is leaving, and taking with her the kids and $300M. Pat Burns is on Montreal radio telling the world your gorgeous Swedish wife took a nine iron to your face before you got in the Cadillac, which she then took the nine iron to the windows of. What do you need to revive your image? How about a magazine cover with you looking like it was taken in the prison yard:
The world is upside down when I feel sorry for Tiger Woods.
which he did a few days this past week. Lest you feel Arquette is sacrificing too much, it should be noted, he is living there on a 9 – 5 basis, hardly roughing it by any measure outside of Hollywood.
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