At Home in Hespeler

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Love this: New York Times fashion reporter Cathy Horyn said of designer Donatella Versace, after seeing Lady Gaga’s outfits, “be choosier, Ms. Versace.”

This week, Gaga hit back:

Shouldn’t columnists and reviewers, such as Cathy Horyn, employ a more modern and forward approach to criticism, one that separates them from the average individual at home on their laptop?”

Speaking as an average individual at home on my laptop, who doesn’t get paid to be snide to the vastly over-rated, yes, some level of sophistication would be nice.

But then again, professional singers should be more modern and forward, separating them from the average teenage wannabee on YouTube, but you can’t have everything.

Alec Balwin and George Clooney, two guys who suppose to tell us little people how we should vote (i.e. like them), have both eschewed politics in no uncertain terms. Alec Balwin, for example, asks rhetorically

Would I rather be handcuffed to the emergency command centre in Maspeth during a hurricane, holding down the fort and making sure all the ploughs are working… or would I rather spend some of that 30 Rock money traveling the world with my girlfriend?

Er, yes well. George Clooney on the other hand – a person not afraid to criticize those who make the tough decision, at least until three years ago – doesn’t have the stomach for tough decisions:

If I make a mistake it’s not going to cost 100,000 people their lives. I’m very happy telling stories. Films don’t hurt people.

What is the antonym for putting your money where your mouth is?

If not politics, how about ice cream Alec Baldwin?

In a 1998 Saturday Night Live skit, Alec Baldwin played Pete Schweddy, a baker who was trying to market rum, popcorn and cheese balls, known as “Schweddy Balls.” Now Ben & Jerry has created a vanilla and rum-flavoured ice cream with fudge-covered rum balls. The name? Schweddy Balls Ice Cream.

Ice cream or politics… ice cream or politics… yea I’d pick ice cream too.

This is a small blog, 100 or so visitors a day. On top of that, I play in a band that performs for 100 people once every six months or so. What this means is I am famous enough to be on Dancing with the Stars, if only I would lower my expectations.

Case in point, Chaz Bono, famous by being daughter of Sonny and Cher and changing her status from maiden to man. He is now “losing weight,” by dancing in preparation of the show.

Now, I am aware Chaz has not been a man for long, so I’m willing to extend the courtesy of explaining certain inalienable facts to Mr. Bono: Men don’t dance to lose weight. Women dance to lose weight, women dance because they enjoy it, women dance with other women and women dance like no one else is watching. Men dance to meet/impress/please the women. Men play basketball, jog, ride a bike or box to lose weight. They dance cause they have to. And men never, ever, dance with other men, especially to lose weight.

So I’m driving down the road, and a sweet, petite blond is jogging along the sidewalk. Hey, is that perennial cutie Reese Witherspoon? I slow down, half checking out Reese, half watching where I’m going, when to my horror I turn into Reese Witherspoon. I can see how it would happen.

However, when Witherspoon was hit while jogging in Santa Monica this week, it had nothing to do with some guy checking her out. Rather it was an 84 year old woman, who was driving 20 miles and hour because she’s an 84 year old woman.

Nonetheless, Witherspoon was taken by ambulance for minor injuries, and released.

Keith: The Movie.

Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards autobiography, Life, is set to get the big movie treatment. The big question is, who play’s Keith? Johnny Depp seems obvious, but what if he’s not available? Who do you get to handle that character?

Here’s my cast choices:

Kieth: Johnny Depp
Brian Jones: Owen Wilson
Mick Jagger: Ben Affleck
Bill Wyman: Benicio del Toro
Charlie Watts: George Clooney
Anita Pallenberg: Olivia Wilde
Mick Taylor: Kevin Bacon (he has to be in every movie)
Ron Wood: Hugh Lawrie

The Academy of Motion Picture &tc. have announced that this years Oscars will be hosted by… Eddie Murphy. Yes, the guy who voices Donkey.

Because apparently Ray J. Johnson was unavailable.

Fluffernutter alec baldwin, Cathy Horyn, Chaz Bono, George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Keith Richards, Lady Gaga, Pete Schweddy, Reese Witherspoon

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Last week we reported Lindsay Lohan was involved in an investigation over a missing piece of jewellery.

On Monday, Lohan was charged with felony grand theft for stealing the $2,500 necklace.

Her attorney, having seen the evidence, says the case is defensible. Lets see now: video of Lohan wearing necklace in store; police notified necklace missing; police notify Lohan they will search her house; Lohan assistant returns necklace.

Am I missing something? Either it was loaned to her, in which case Lohan has some piece of paper indicating that, or it was not loaned to her. Produce the receipt for loan of the jewellery, and it’s defensible. Otherwise, it seems pretty open and shut.

Pretentious, self righteous Pink has decided to poke in the eye the paparazzi. Bearing in mind that paparazzi take pictures of people who don’t want their picture taken, thus who don’t pose for those pictures, Pink’s logic is strange:

…because the paparazzi of today have absolutely no photographic skill or artistry whatsoever, and their pictures are hideous. I’m going to post a self-portrait I took yesterday morning… 3 wks (weeks) of photo classes for me and I am already a far better photographer than anyone of them…

In short, just because you make money doing something, don’t think that means you have talent.

OK, I’ll bite: how much money has Pink made as a singer?

Will they or won’t they? The Rolling Stones have been rumoured to be well into the planning stages of a fall 2011 tour. But there’s a tiny, um…, fly in the ointment. It seems Mick Jagger is not talking to Keith Richards after his biography, and later in an interview, Keith referred to Mick’s “tiny todger.”

For those who don’t get English witticisms, tiny todger is euphemism for “he is a bigger dick than he has.”

Things are no better in the Guns’n’Roses camp, where Slash and Axl Rose haven’t had much to say to each other since the early 1990’s.

Recently Slash has made noises about reuniting the original Guns’n’Roses, assuming Axl approached Slash, apologies ‘n’ hand.

Keep waiting.

On his Twitter account this week Rose said:

Contrary to anyone’s claims there are no concrete plans, nor where there ever for a tour and certainly not to replace anyone in the band, beyond a collection of random ideas thrown out by various individuals without any real foundation

Can’t he just say Slash has a tiny todger and be done with it?

Gary Moore (1952-2011)

Gary Moore was one of the greats of the electric guitar, full stop. Less known than many other guitar heroes, Moore was nonetheless one of the very best.

Best known for his work in Thin Lizzy and as a solo artist, Moore was a top player in the rock world for fourty years.

Born in Belfast, he left in 1969 at age 16 to join a band, Skid Row, in Dublin.  There, he would play with Phil Lynott, who would later draft him to play in his band, Thin Lizzy.

To understand the mark Gary Moore has left in the music world, you need to follow some classic musicians on twitter. His passing this week of a suspected heart attack is being mourned by many. One of the true greats and, by all accounts, a fine human being.

RIP Gary Moore.

Fluffernutter Axl Rose, Gary Moore, Guns 'n' roses, Keith Richards, Lindsay Lohan, Mick Jagger, Pink, Rolling Stones, Slash, Thin Lizzy

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Justin Beiber: Minute 16.

A couple of weeks ago Justin Beiber lashed out at a fan looking for an autograph. Famous for about a year, Beiber is already tired of all these kids, children really, throwing their money at him. If only they would go away, he could enjoy his fame in peace.

Last weekend Beiber was accused of assaulting a 12 year old boy at Planet Lazer in Vancouver. While playing he hit/ran over the lad, who complained to management, and then police.

The boy says he hit him, Beiber says it was an accident. I say Justin Beiber’s fifteen minutes are up.

Breaking News: Keith Richards bedded bandmate Brian Jones’s girlfriend Anita Pallenberg in the back of his Bentley on a trip from Morocco to Paris.

I’ll be glad when Keith Richards Autobiography is published, and we can stop getting these 40 year old news flashes. Last weekend it was a 60’s era drug and booze fuelled vacation with John Lennon in the back of his Bentley.

Whose autobiography is this anyway, Keith Richards’, or Keith Richards Bentley’s?

Madonna is rumoured to have dumped her 24 year old Latin lover, Jesus Luz for Brazillian dancer Brahim Rachiki.

For the record, Madonna lists herself as a “children’s author” amongst other things on her CV. Here’s a tip: if you are buying your children books by Madonna, you’re a bad parent!

If you are using Madonna as a role model for your kids, pre-teen, teen, young adults, you are a bad parent.

Want to know why society is a mess? Popular TV show Glee! Had a Madonna episode, where they raved about what a wonderful role model she was for young women. Any society, anywhere, who thinks filthy, skanky, slutty Madonna can possibly be a role model, is a mess. Full stop.

Barbara Billingsley (1915-2010):

Pearl wearing, Jive talking Beaver mom Barbara Billingsley died Sunday. Billingsley played June Cleaver, TV mom to Wally and The Beaver, on Leave it to Beaver. The show ran between 1957 and 1963.

Known as the perfect mom who did house work in pearls and heels, both of those traits were, in fact, sops to Billingsley’s vanity: The pearls covered a “hollow” in her neck, the heels came later to disguise the fact her TV sons were gaining on her in height.

Her next most famous role was a spoof, playing an older lady who spoke “jive,” translating for a couple of black passengers in the comedy “Airplane.”

Barbara Billingsley died of polymyagia at the age of 95 last Saturday. May she Rest in Peace.

Tom Bosley (1927-2010) From the bad week to be a perfect TV parent department:

If June Cleaver was the perfect mom, then “Mr. C.,” Howard Cunningham on Happy Days may have been the perfect TV dad. As the father of Ritchie and Joannie he was always calm and wise: even when he caught underage Ritchie at the strip club.

Possibly more important than his many, many movie, stage and TV roles, Tom Bosley served in the U.S. Navy during the Second World War.

He died Tuesday at age 83. He had been battling a staph infection, but cause of death is currently unknown. Rest in Peace, Tom Bosley.

Fluffernutter Anita Pallenberg, Barbara Billingsley, Brahim Rachiki, Brian Jones, Happy Days, Jesus Luz, John Lennon, Justin Beiber, Keith Richards, Leave it to Beaver, Madonna, Tom Bosley

One likes to believe in the freedom of music.

Rush – Spirit of Radio.

What’s going to save the music industry from itself? You know what I mean, that whole CDs, golden goose, dead thing. To hear the rockstars and industry execs tell it, sharing files – they call it pirating for Gods sake – will ruin the industry. Who’s going to make music if you can’t make obscene amounts of money doing so?

“Make a few bob and then open a hairdressing salon,” Ringo Starr answered when asked what he hoped to get out of The Beatles. It was The Beatles first trip to the United States, and the press was already asking “what next?” I’ll make enough money to start a little shop, thought Ringo. By the time I get around to writing Octopuses Garden, I’ll have no one to sing it to except my customers. They probably all thought that: A bookstore for John; a music store for George; a hat store for Nigel (Tufnel, the oft forgotten sixth Beatle).

Who indeed?

During a television interview aired worldwide before The Who’s live simulcast farewell concert from Toronto in 1982, Roger Daltry talked about the band’s habit of breaking their equipment at the end of their shows: ‘we would run into a store, grab a guitar off the wall and run out again saying over our shoulder, I’ll pay you later,’ he said. ‘We didn’t make any money until the mid-70’s.’ Yet they managed to come out with Tommy and Who’s Next, alternatively known as the greatest rock opera and the CSI soundtrack album.

Kiss would work their way to the west coast, and have to book gigs, any gig, to eat and travel their way back to New York. Ever seen those early Kiss shows? Phenomenal. They were hungry, they had attitude and they were good. They started making money around the time of the Destroyer album. They stopped making listenable music exactly around the Destroyer album. “They prostituted themselves,” a high school buddy said one day about Beth. I rather think not, think Beth was in retrospect, a reasonably heartfelt song. It was immediately after Beth that the Kiss act became red-light. “This is a great Rod Stewart song,” Paul Stanley told the band about Hard Luck Woman, hoping to sell the song to Stewart. That, my friend, is prostituting yourself.

Nobody got into the music business for the business potential until sometime in the late 70’s or early 80‘s. Before that, even the big stars figured by the time they were 30, then 40, they wouldn’t be acting like rock stars. Mick Jagger said once that he couldn’t imagine running around a stage when he’s 60. He knew then what he refuses to acknowledge now: that he’s become somewhat absurd. But somewhere late in the 70’s, early in the 80’s guys started choosing rock star as a career option. It is considered a remarkable coincidence that people stopped making rock music that was transcendental at the same time.

Who am I kidding? The moment musicians stopped thinking I’ll give it all I got until I’m 28 or so, then get a real job is the moment music changed. If you imagine music as a career, what you’re going to do for the rest of your life, then you’re not about to go out on a limb because you believe from the depths of your soul that the 3rd bar in the 2nd verse should be a C#m instead of an E. If the record company guy, the one in the charcoal suit, says it should be an E, then who are you to withhold the master tapes and risk your future until he concedes your point? And while one C#m may not matter in the grand scheme, once you concede the 3rd bar in the 2nd verse, then why not cut the solo because nobody does solos anymore? And why not rewrite the last verse to make it more radio friendly? Never mind that you talked to God on that solo, or the third verse was absolute poetry, this is about selling records. So why not let the art director from the design department design your album covers, why worry your pretty little head over artistic direction? After all, it’s not art, it’s business.

While the artists were busy working for the man, the people who buy the product, the important line in the supply and demand curve, stopped buying. Instead they, ahem, stole it. Not stole as in left the store with a product, stole as in they took a bunch of 0’s and 1’s that one person voluntarily put on their computer, and moved them to your computer without removing or in any way changing them. Want to talk about the law? Here’s a basic law of economics: price = scarcity. Without scarcity, there’s no need for price. Computer files are technically an unlimited resource. They can be duplicated an infinite number of times without experiencing any degradation of the original file. And if you can duplicate something ad-infinitum, you can’t impose a price on it in the long run. Notice I said can’t, not won’t or shouldn’t, but can’t. You cannot impose a price on something that has no scarcity. And if you can’t impose a price on a music file, the business model of the career recording artist falls apart.

My favourite theory is that recording will become the incidental effort, to promote the live experience that the musician offers. Sooner or later musicians will give away files, sell records and CDs to those (say, me) who must have them, but will make their money for what they do today, or rather tonight, not what they did back in 1982. For this to happen, some things within the industry will have to change, not the least of which is the expectation that musicians should be paid in perpetuity: musicians will have to be first, and always, musicians. Brittany Spears need not apply, we need people who can step on a stage, and sing, or play their instrument; the idea that a concert should be a spectacle will have to end. If you need a ten piece band and dancers – especially if you need dancers – then you can’t be expected to turn a profit on tour. No profit, no performance, it needs to be that simple. A five man band giving it their all, ala the Stones 1972 can be profitable work. An eleven man band playing Jumping Jack Flash while Mick, Keith and Ronny prance and preen ala the Stones now, no Dice, Tumblin’ or otherwise; prices need to come down. Sure Roger Waters or Madonna can carry a circus act, tractor trailer loads full of bricks and flying pigs, then charge $150, but nobody else can. Fourty dollars to hear some band on the margins is too much, they need to be able to play, profitably, for less, maybe a lot less. The trick is get enough people in the seats for $20, and sell them shirts, ring-tones, iPhone cases and downloads of the show.

I mention this because it is, I think, the future, and it is coming sooner than most believe. Here’s an item from this weeks paper:

Christina Aquilera has announced a 20-date North American tour… in support of her upcoming album Bionic. Fans will receive a digital copy of the album with every ticket purchased before June 4.

Give away the music, sell the concert. It’s a new idea, and will take some working out, but it’s economically viable. To put it simply, performance is a scarce commodity, one that can be charged for. As it gets harder and harder to collect on the bits and bites sitting on your hard drive, it will become more viable to look to the performance of music to make a living.

What’s going to save the music industry from itself? That’s easy: musicians. And when they do, music consumers will be better off for it.

The Freedom of Music, This Week on my I-Pod Beatles, Beth, Bionic, Brittany Spears, Christina Aquilera, CSI, Destroyer, George HArrison, Hard Luck Woman, John Lennon, Jumping Jack Flash, Keith Richards, Kiss, Madonna, Mick Jagger, Nigel Tufnel, Octopuses Garden, paul stanley, Ringo Starr, Roger Daltry, Roger Waters, Rolling Stones, Ron Wood, The Who, Tommy, Toronto, Who’s Next