At Home in Hespeler

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Charlie Sheen showed up in Illinois at the Gathering of the Juggalos Saturday to host the musical event on the main stage of the festival. He was promptly booed and had bottles thrown at him.

“I should have worn my fu&%ing goggles,” he told the crowd, before exiting, stage left (all these Hollywood guys exit stage left – never stage right).

Frankly, that’s the boring part of the story. Here’s the meat.

The Gathering of the Juggalos is a four day “rap and wrestling festival,” put on by rapper (I presume) Violent J.

“I think the Juggalos won’t be respected until 20 years after they’re done,“ said the Insane Clown Posse member. “Everybody will look back on it and say, that was great. That was history.”

Here’s your dilemma: it’s 20 years in the future, and your doing a I remember when with your kids. “I remember,” you say, “a rap and wrestling festival called Juggalos, put on by a guy in a group called the Insane Clown Posse called Violent J.” Do you use the word respect without irony?

Here’s a dilemma. Your a Federal Trade Commission investigator. Ashton Kutcher served as a guest editor for Details magazine, in which several stocks were recommended. Kutcher, it turns out, invested in a number of those stocks.

So, FTC investigator, do you investigate this possible breach of securities law, or do you say to yourself, “any person who takes investment advice from Ashton Kutcher deserves to lose his shirt?”

This week, the FTC chose option B. They chose wisely.

Review in Brief: Cowboys and Aliens: The title suggests this could be a very dumb movie: the title is guilty of severe understatement.

Dilemma #3. For the last year or two you have been tabloid fodder. You have just lost your high paying TV job. What acts of desperation are you willing perform to stay in the spotlight?

If your name is Kat Von D, AKA Skanky Tat Ho, the answer is, you are willing to reconcile with serial moron Jesse James.

James and Tat Ho, er Von D, have rekindled their lust and announced their engagement, mere weeks after announcing they were splitting up, but days after it was announced Von D’s TV show was being cancelled.

Dilemma #4: You’re having a baddish day, and it is deteriorating. You have a train to catch, and your running late. How to perk up the day, just a little?

Get Gwyneth Paltrow to run you over.

The story of Paltrow and Lara Lundstrom Clarke on September 11, 2001 came to light this week. Paltrow, it seems, saved the life of Clarke by hitting her with her Mercedes SUV. Clarke was then late for her train, and was not in 2 World Trade Centre when it was hit by a hijacked plane.

“At that time I was annoyed at everything that had made me late that day, including Gwyneth Paltrow… (But) if I had made that train I would have been at my desk on the 77th floor of 2 World Trade Center.”
She wrote a letter to Paltrow detailing her experience on the morning of the terrorist attacks and the actress’ publicist reveals the star was “deeply moved” by the story.

Thank God! Paltrow wasn’t driving a Prius. And yes, when you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, even 9/11 is about you.

Dilemma the last: Your on a plane from Paris to Dublin, except the plane is delayed on the runway. You have to go to the bathroom, but the cabin crew, in the strange, draconian wisdom that airline employees have developed over the past number of years, tell you a can not go to the bathroom.

Of course, as sarcastic teachers have been teaching their students at least since I was in grade 6, may not go to the bathroom and can not go to the bathroom are two different things.

The cabin crew said can not, when what they really meant was may not. What do you do?

If your French actor Gerard Depardieu, you give a lesson. Specifically, Depardieu peed into a bottle. Unfortunately, his bladder was bigger than his bottle and their was spillage.

The plane was delayed a further two hours while Mr. Jutzi taught a lesson on Merlin’s laugh.

Fluffernutter Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Gerard Depardieu, Gwyneth Paltrow, Insane Clown Posse, Jesse James, Juggalos, Kat Von D, Merlin’s laugh

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

A large part of the tragedy of the Amy Winehouse story comes via her father, Mitch Winehouse. When Rehab, Winehouse’s ode to denial was a hit he begged fans not to buy the song and album. Your just encouraging her, he said at the time, and it’s going to kill her.

At a private funeral this week, he offered a 40 minute eulogy, telling hundreds of her friends and family while she may have been a troubled star, or a talented singer to millions, to them she was their “angel.”

The poor man humanizes this sad story and makes you wish for a different outcome.

Meanwhile, Amy’s ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil did not attend the funeral. Fielder, who divorced Winehouse in 2009 after a 2-year marriage, is serving a 32-month sentence for burglary and possession of a firearm. While he is reported in “inconsolable,” over the news of her death, he did not ask for compassionate leave to attend the funeral. He apparently didn’t want to attend in handcuffs out of respect for Winehouse and her family. If true, it may be the first decent thing he’s done since he and Winehouse came to public notice.

Ashton Kutcher is a moron. I know, I know, “news flash.” But seriously, here’s what he tweeted after Amy Winehouse died:

I nevr know wht 2 post after paying respect 2 sum1 who died. Just seems lk anything funny is inappropriate. mayB I’ll just go C HarryPotter

Besides making my spell check cry, there is so much wrong with this. Yes, anything funny is inappropriate, but so is dismissively adding you’ll go “C HarryPotter.” Of course perhaps that was a little joke- the very sentence after saying jokes are inappropriate. Sigh.

Here’s the thing, you stupid, stupid man. If you can’t even take the time to spell correctly for a small tribute to someone who has just died, then don’t bother! Better nothing be said than an illiterate rambling that comes across as disrespectful for the deceased, and makes you look dumb as a bag of hammers – very dumb hammers.

Meanwhile U2 does it right, dedicating Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of, to Winehouse.

“We wrote this next song for Michael Hutchence,” Bono told the audience, “but you will understand if tonight we play it for Amy Winehouse.”

Hutchence was the former singer for the band INXS, who committed suicide in 1997.

See Ashton Kutcher, that’s how it’s done, a nice sentiment simply stated. It doesn’t have to be about you.

Sandra Bullok’s ex- moron husband Jesse James has split from the woman he left Bullock for. Tattoo model Kat Von D and James announced this week they have broken up.

Lets see, can’t stick with the wholesome, pretty all American girl, can’t stick with the filthy tattooed skank. Maybe James just doesn’t do this whole relating with other humans very well.

Will they, or won’t they?

Gene Simmons got down on bended knee this week on his reality show, Gene Simmons Family Jewels. Simmons proposed to his long time lover and mother of his 2 adult children, during the finale of the reality show.

After a spat on the Joy Behar show a few weeks ago, it looked like splitsville for the pair. Wether the proposal was filmed before or since the Behar show, I can’t seem to find out.I Guess we have to tune in next season to see what she says.

It’s all so romantic.

Not everybody split up this week, some people were reconciling. Case in point: Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

The two had fallen out previously, but this week Lohan turned up at a Hilton party. While the two did not hug, kiss and/or announce an upcoming night on the town sans underwear, the appearance marks the first time the two have been seen in the same space in some time.

You know what Paris and Lindsay together means, don’t you. Means we here at Fluffernutter World Headquarters are going to have a banner season.

Fluffernutter Amy Wi, Ashton Kutcher, Blake Fielder-Civil, Bono, Gene Simmons, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, Jesse James, Kat Von D, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Hutchence, Mitch Winehouse, Paris Hilton, Sandra Bullock, Shannon Tweed, U2