Saturday Fluffernutter: The Isn’t This a Dilemma Edition
All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities
Charlie Sheen showed up in Illinois at the Gathering of the Juggalos Saturday to host the musical event on the main stage of the festival. He was promptly booed and had bottles thrown at him. 
“I should have worn my fu&%ing goggles,” he told the crowd, before exiting, stage left (all these Hollywood guys exit stage left – never stage right).
Frankly, that’s the boring part of the story. Here’s the meat.
The Gathering of the Juggalos is a four day “rap and wrestling festival,” put on by rapper (I presume) Violent J.
“I think the Juggalos won’t be respected until 20 years after they’re done,“ said the Insane Clown Posse member. “Everybody will look back on it and say, that was great. That was history.”
Here’s your dilemma: it’s 20 years in the future, and your doing a I remember when with your kids. “I remember,” you say, “a rap and wrestling festival called Juggalos, put on by a guy in a group called the Insane Clown Posse called Violent J.” Do you use the word respect without irony?
Here’s a dilemma. Your a Federal Trade Commission investigator. Ashton Kutcher served as a guest editor for Details magazine, in which several stocks were recommended. Kutcher, it turns out, invested in a number of those stocks.
So, FTC investigator, do you investigate this possible breach of securities law, or do you say to yourself, “any person who takes investment advice from Ashton Kutcher deserves to lose his shirt?”
This week, the FTC chose option B. They chose wisely.
Dilemma #3. For the last year or two you have been tabloid fodder. You have just lost your high paying TV job. What acts of desperation are you willing perform to stay in the spotlight?
If your name is Kat Von D, AKA Skanky Tat Ho, the answer is, you are willing to reconcile with serial moron Jesse James.
James and Tat Ho, er Von D, have rekindled their lust and announced their engagement, mere weeks after announcing they were splitting up, but days after it was announced Von D’s TV show was being cancelled.
Dilemma #4: You’re having a baddish day, and it is deteriorating. You have a train to catch, and your running late. How to perk up the day, just a little?
Get Gwyneth Paltrow to run you over.
The story of Paltrow and Lara Lundstrom Clarke on September 11, 2001 came to light this week. Paltrow, it seems, saved the life of Clarke by hitting her with her Mercedes SUV. Clarke was then late for her train, and was not in 2 World Trade Centre when it was hit by a hijacked plane.
“At that time I was annoyed at everything that had made me late that day, including Gwyneth Paltrow… (But) if I had made that train I would have been at my desk on the 77th floor of 2 World Trade Center.”
She wrote a letter to Paltrow detailing her experience on the morning of the terrorist attacks and the actress’ publicist reveals the star was “deeply moved” by the story.
Thank God! Paltrow wasn’t driving a Prius. And yes, when you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, even 9/11 is about you.
Dilemma the last: Your on a plane from Paris to Dublin, except the plane is delayed on the runway. You have to go to the bathroom, but the cabin crew, in the strange, draconian wisdom that airline employees have developed over the past number of years, tell you a can not go to the bathroom.
Of course, as sarcastic teachers have been teaching their students at least since I was in grade 6, may not go to the bathroom and can not go to the bathroom are two different things.
The cabin crew said can not, when what they really meant was may not. What do you do?
If your French actor Gerard Depardieu, you give a lesson. Specifically, Depardieu peed into a bottle. Unfortunately, his bladder was bigger than his bottle and their was spillage.
The plane was delayed a further two hours while Mr. Jutzi taught a lesson on Merlin’s laugh.
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