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Saturday Fluffernutter: The Isn’t This a Dilemma Edition

August 20th, 2011
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All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

fluffincolorCharlie Sheen showed up in Illinois at the Gathering of the Juggalos Saturday to host the musical event on the main stage of the festival. He was promptly booed and had bottles thrown at him. fluff2

“I should have worn my fu&%ing goggles,” he told the crowd, before exiting, stage left (all these Hollywood guys exit stage left – never stage right).

Frankly, that’s the boring part of the story. Here’s the meat.

The Gathering of the Juggalos is a four day “rap and wrestling festival,” put on by rapper (I presume) Violent J.

“I think the Juggalos won’t be respected until 20 years after they’re done,“ said the Insane Clown Posse member. “Everybody will look back on it and say, that was great. That was history.”

Here’s your dilemma: it’s 20 years in the future, and your doing a I remember when with your kids. “I remember,” you say, “a rap and wrestling festival called Juggalos, put on by a guy in a group called the Insane Clown Posse called Violent J.” Do you use the word respect without irony?

fluffincolorHere’s a dilemma. Your a Federal Trade Commission investigator. Ashton Kutcher served as a guest editor for Details magazine, in which several stocks were recommended. Kutcher, it turns out, invested in a number of those stocks.

So, FTC investigator, do you investigate this possible breach of securities law, or do you say to yourself, “any person who takes investment advice from Ashton Kutcher deserves to lose his shirt?”

This week, the FTC chose option B. They chose wisely.

fluffincolorReview in Brief: Cowboys and Aliens: The title suggests this could be a very dumb movie: the title is guilty of severe understatement.

fluffincolorDilemma #3. For the last year or two you have been tabloid fodder. You have just lost your high paying TV job. What acts of desperation are you willing perform to stay in the spotlight?

If your name is Kat Von D, AKA Skanky Tat Ho, the answer is, you are willing to reconcile with serial moron Jesse James.

James and Tat Ho, er Von D, have rekindled their lust and announced their engagement, mere weeks after announcing they were splitting up, but days after it was announced Von D’s TV show was being cancelled.

fluffincolorDilemma #4: You’re having a baddish day, and it is deteriorating. You have a train to catch, and your running late. How to perk up the day, just a little?

Get Gwyneth Paltrow to run you over.

The story of Paltrow and Lara Lundstrom Clarke on September 11, 2001 came to light this week. Paltrow, it seems, saved the life of Clarke by hitting her with her Mercedes SUV. Clarke was then late for her train, and was not in 2 World Trade Centre when it was hit by a hijacked plane.

“At that time I was annoyed at everything that had made me late that day, including Gwyneth Paltrow… (But) if I had made that train I would have been at my desk on the 77th floor of 2 World Trade Center.”
She wrote a letter to Paltrow detailing her experience on the morning of the terrorist attacks and the actress’ publicist reveals the star was “deeply moved” by the story.

Thank God! Paltrow wasn’t driving a Prius. And yes, when you’re Gwyneth Paltrow, even 9/11 is about you.

fluffincolorDilemma the last: Your on a plane from Paris to Dublin, except the plane is delayed on the runway. You have to go to the bathroom, but the cabin crew, in the strange, draconian wisdom that airline employees have developed over the past number of years, tell you a can not go to the bathroom.

Of course, as sarcastic teachers have been teaching their students at least since I was in grade 6, may not go to the bathroom and can not go to the bathroom are two different things.

The cabin crew said can not, when what they really meant was may not. What do you do?

If your French actor Gerard Depardieu, you give a lesson. Specifically, Depardieu peed into a bottle. Unfortunately, his bladder was bigger than his bottle and their was spillage.

The plane was delayed a further two hours while Mr. Jutzi taught a lesson on Merlin’s laugh.


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Saturday Fluffernutter: The Back to Black Edition

July 30th, 2011
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All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

fluffincolorA large part of the tragedy of the Amy Winehouse story comes via her father, Mitch Winehouse. When Rehab, Winehouse’s ode to denial was a hit he begged fans not to buy the song and album. Your just encouraging her, he said at the time, and it’s going to kill her.

fluff2At a private funeral this week, he offered a 40 minute eulogy, telling hundreds of her friends and family while she may have been a troubled star, or a talented singer to millions, to them she was their “angel.”

The poor man humanizes this sad story and makes you wish for a different outcome.

Meanwhile, Amy’s ex-husband Blake Fielder-Civil did not attend the funeral. Fielder, who divorced Winehouse in 2009 after a 2-year marriage, is serving a 32-month sentence for burglary and possession of a firearm. While he is reported in “inconsolable,” over the news of her death, he did not ask for compassionate leave to attend the funeral. He apparently didn’t want to attend in handcuffs out of respect for Winehouse and her family. If true, it may be the first decent thing he’s done since he and Winehouse came to public notice.

fluffincolorAshton Kutcher is a moron. I know, I know, “news flash.” But seriously, here’s what he tweeted after Amy Winehouse died:

I nevr know wht 2 post after paying respect 2 sum1 who died. Just seems lk anything funny is inappropriate. mayB I’ll just go C HarryPotter

Besides making my spell check cry, there is so much wrong with this. Yes, anything funny is inappropriate, but so is dismissively adding you’ll go “C HarryPotter.” Of course perhaps that was a little joke- the very sentence after saying jokes are inappropriate. Sigh.

Here’s the thing, you stupid, stupid man. If you can’t even take the time to spell correctly for a small tribute to someone who has just died, then don’t bother! Better nothing be said than an illiterate rambling that comes across as disrespectful for the deceased, and makes you look dumb as a bag of hammers – very dumb hammers.

fluffincolorMeanwhile U2 does it right, dedicating Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of, to Winehouse.

“We wrote this next song for Michael Hutchence,” Bono told the audience, “but you will understand if tonight we play it for Amy Winehouse.”

Hutchence was the former singer for the band INXS, who committed suicide in 1997.

See Ashton Kutcher, that’s how it’s done, a nice sentiment simply stated. It doesn’t have to be about you.

fluffincolorSandra Bullok’s ex- moron husband Jesse James has split from the woman he left Bullock for. Tattoo model Kat Von D and James announced this week they have broken up.

Lets see, can’t stick with the wholesome, pretty all American girl, can’t stick with the filthy tattooed skank. Maybe James just doesn’t do this whole relating with other humans very well.

fluffincolorWill they, or won’t they?

Gene Simmons got down on bended knee this week on his reality show, Gene Simmons Family Jewels. Simmons proposed to his long time lover and mother of his 2 adult children, during the finale of the reality show.

After a spat on the Joy Behar show a few weeks ago, it looked like splitsville for the pair. Wether the proposal was filmed before or since the Behar show, I can’t seem to find out.I Guess we have to tune in next season to see what she says.

It’s all so romantic.

fluffincolorNot everybody split up this week, some people were reconciling. Case in point: Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

The two had fallen out previously, but this week Lohan turned up at a Hilton party. While the two did not hug, kiss and/or announce an upcoming night on the town sans underwear, the appearance marks the first time the two have been seen in the same space in some time.

You know what Paris and Lindsay together means, don’t you. Means we here at Fluffernutter World Headquarters are going to have a banner season.


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Saturday Fluffernutter: The Plagiarism Edition – Joni Mitchell, Sandra Bullock and Julia Roberts.

May 1st, 2010

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

fluffincolorJoni Mitchell gave a rare interview last week with the LA Times:

We (Bob Dylan) and I are like night and day, he and I. Bobmarshmallow_fluff03 is not authentic at all. He’s a plagiarist, and his name and voice are fake. Everything about Bob is deception.

Oh, my! Tell us what you really think Joni.

She had more to say regarding Grace Slick and Janis Joplin being drunken tramps – they were “sleeping with their whole bands and falling down drunk” – and Madonna:

Americans have decided to be stupid and shallow since 1980. Madonna is like Nero; she marks the turning point.

Madonna as anti-Christ. There’s an argument I can get behind.

fluffincolorOther revelations in the Joni Mitchell interview:

The Red Hot Chilli Peppers are neither red, hot nor chilli peppers.

Jakob Dylan plagiarized his fathers last name.

The Led Zeppelin song Going to California, heretofore thought to be written about Joni Mitchel, was really written about That Girl Marlo Thomas.

The reason the Toronto Maple Leafs have not won a Stanley Cup in 40 years is that Joni Mitchell cursed them by writing about them in her song Raised on Robbery.

Jose Feliciano is the judge for the People Magazine’s most beautiful people.

Bob Dylan mumbles

fluffincolorSandra Bullock has filed for divorce from her wayward husband, Jesse James. While Bullock was apparently devastated by revelations of James multiple affairs, she was equally appalled by a picture showing him in Nazi dress, using his finger to mock-up a Hitler moustache and giving a Nazi salute:

The photo shocked me and made me sad. This is not the man I married… anything Nazi…have no place in my life. And the man I married felt the same.

Am I the only person in this world who sees the iron cross that James uses as his business logo and thinks of the Nazi’s?

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fluffincolorPeople Magazine came out with their 2010 Most Beautiful Woman issue for 2010, and the winner is… Julia Roberts?

Even in her prime 20 years ago I wouldn’t put Julia Roberts on my top 50 beautiful women list, a list that includes my wife, my neighbour and my singer. But in an edition of People Magazine that will heavily feature Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts will be on the cover as most beautiful? Absurd!

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Saturday Fluffernutter: Bond, Brett, Bullock and Some Ash Holes.

April 24th, 2010
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All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

fluffincolorThe latest entry into the Bond fare, Cry Like a Baby starring Daniel Craig has been put on hold due to financial disaster at parent company MGM. fluffernutter-2

MGM studios is for sale, and with a $3.7B debt, unable to continue as is. This has caused EON Productions, which make the Bond movies, to halt “indefinitely” the making of the next Bond film, tentatively called Bond 23. The movie was scheduled for a 2011 or 2012 release.

fluffincolorHeadline in a newspaper this week:

European Airlines hoping for ash hole to fly through.

I can’t be the only person who thought, “finally, a natural disaster in which Sean Penn will be useful.”

fluffincolorNewsflash: Sandra Bullock this week was spotted shopping, without her wedding ring

Her husband has been caught fooling around with what might be the skankiest skank in all of skank-ville, and it’s news she isn’t wearing her wedding ring? Not in prison for killing the stupid bastard, that’s news. The wedding thing ring is up there with McDonalds makes a hamburger.


fluffincolorWhile on the subject of Sandra Bullock, she has been asked to return her Razzy for worst actress, which she good naturedly accepted the Saturday before the Oscars. The Razzy she took home was a one-off highly valuable trophy. The winners get a replica to take home, instead of the original. Bullock accidentally left with the good one, and her people offered to return it immediately upon hearing the story that she had the wrong one.

Want to know why America loves Sandra Bullock, look at how she has handled the entire Razzy award episode.

fluffincolorFormer Poison singer and current reality TV guy Brett Michaels was rushed to hospital Friday with a brain hemorrhage. Michaels is in critical condition after being rushed to the hospital with a headache. The doctors discovered bleeding at the base of the brain stem.

Michaels had an emergency appendectomy last week after complaining of stomach pains. Next week he is anticipated to have leg pains, resulting in hip replacement surgery.

Michaels is expected to make a full recovery.

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