At Home in Hespeler

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Reports that Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z booked a floor at New York’s, Lenox Hill Hospital so Beyonce could have a cesarian delivery last weekend, are greatly exaggerated, says the hospital.

Apparently the singer and her rapper husband booked the entire fourth floor and their security prevented other parents of the hospital seeing their newborn, and sometimes sick, children. The hospital, however, doth protest:

The suggestion that the couple paid $1.3 million to rent an entire an entire maternity floor is sim ply not true. The family is housed in an executive suite at the hospital and is being billed the standard rate for those accommodations.

The family does have it’s own security detail on site. However, the hospital has been and continues to be in control of managing all security at the facility.

Is it just me, or did the hospital just get itself named in any lawsuits from disgruntled parents?

The new addition to the Z family is called Blue Ivy Carter, after the title of two of the stars albums.

Remember when Britney Spears was an underage singer from the bible belt and swore that she would remain a virgin until marriage? Next thing you know, she’s stepping out with Paris Hilton in a short dress and no underwear.

Now it’s 17 year old Justin Bieber’s turn to swear that adulthood won’t change the child. He tells V magazine:

I’m not going to try to conform to what people want me to be or go out there and start partying, have people see me with alcohol… I’m never goings to make myself so the parents and kids don’t respect me…

Look out Paris, looks like you have a new drinking buddy.

News in the rock world that Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi has been diagnosed with lymphoma.

The guitarist was working on a new album with his former band mates – including Ozzy Osbourne – and a reunion tour of the original Black Sabbath was planned for 2012.

The band has moved it’s recording and rehearsing from LA to England, and Iommi has been both writing and recording since his diagnosis. HIs illness has, in fact, given the band “a kick up the rump- it’s great to hear him churning out those riffs again.”

The band plans to honour their summer European dates, but no word on any further concerts at this stage.

Here’s wishing Tony Iommi well.

Review in brief – Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: Silence of the Lambs, but dark and edgy.

The Golden Globes were held last Sunday, and all the stars dressed up, drank up and prepared to listen to Ricky Gervais mock them, which he really didn’t.

Unlike the Oscars, the Golden Globes breaks down the movies into categories, but some prognostication of the Oscars can be made based on the Golden Globes. The Golden Globe winners to watch for at the Oscars are: George Clooney, best actor for The Descendants (beating hsi pal, and other oscar favourite, Brad Pitt in Moneyball; Meryl Streep as best actress in The Iron Lady; The Artist for best movie.

The Golden Globe for most honest reaction goes to Elton John’s husband David Furnish. Of news that Elton lost to Madonna for best song, Furnish turned on his twitter app and wrote:

Madonna. Best song???? F**k off!!!…
Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it’s narcissism. And her critisism ofGaga shows how desperate she really is. (sic)

He later clarified things telling the New York Post:

I think it was a fluke. When this happens you have to question the integrity of the awards. Did Madonna get the Golden Globe because she attended the awards and agreed to be a presenter?

Can you sing Madonna’s song? Can you hum it? It’s a song nobody has heard from a film few have seen. The award should have gone to Mary J. Blige or Elton.

Nice back-peddling David.

For the record, if I had a vote, I’d pick Madonna’s song. And yes, it pains me deeply to write that.

Fluffernutter Beyonce, Black Sabbath, Blue Ivy Carter, Brad Pitt, Britney Spears, David Furnish, Elton John, George Clooney, Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Golden Globes, Jay Z, Justin Beiber, Madonna, Mary J Blige, Meryl Streep, moneyball, Ozzy Osbourne, Paris Hilton, Ricky Gervais, The Artist, The Descendants, The Iron Lady, Tony Iommi

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

I’m not a football fan, don’t base my month of January around the Super Bowl. Really, don’t watch it very much, don’t much care. If I do end up watching it, it’s always the same story: I turn on the half-time show, and decide to stick with the second half of the game.

This week it was announced he half-time show for Super Bowl XLVI will be headlined by… Madonna. The “singer” says she will team up with Cirque de Solei to produce a Super Bowl extravaganza.

All this gives me a big headstart when planning my January: In no conceivable way will I be busy on Super Bowl Sunday.

Wonder if all those football fans wish they hadn’t played their half-time show petition card on Nickelback?

Speaking of over the hill singers who can’t actually sing, Britney Spears turned thirty last weekend. The dancer with the headset donned her wholly underwear and went skating in Houston with her boyfriend, Jason Trawick.

As Britney Spears leaves her 20’s behind, it’s a worthwhile exercise to look back and remember the decade that was: the panti-less nights; her sister, who managed to avoid the talentless yet famous trap; and whatever became of her husband, Kevin Federline?

Well, since you asked, Federline is in Australia where he was recently hospitalised for heat exhaustion. He is in Australia filming a celebrity weight loss show called Excess Baggage. While Britney spent their breakup tramping around with Paris Hilton, Federline ate away his heartbreak, gaining 85 pounds. He lost 30 pounds in 2010, filming VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp, but gained it all back. Hence, he was in the Australian outback filming Excess Baggage when he showed signs of heat exhaustion.

Here’s a question. Federline’s resume has one skill on it: dancer. Why does he need physical trainers in the Australian outback? Put down the sandwhich, turn on the music and dance for a couple of hours a day. It’s your one job, how hard can it be to do it?

Or was that whole dancer thing just a fabrication to convince us that Britney hadn’t married a completely useless tool.

Hey not all marriages have to end in appearances on Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp. Thus we all live in hope that Sinead O’Connor’s fourth marriage to Barry Herridge has better luck.

The singer and her “unknown boyfriend,” tied the knot in the back of a pink Cadillac at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas Nevada this week. O’Connor met Herridge online three months ago, and the bulk of their relationship has been mostly of the virtual variety.

What I want to see is the morning he wakes up and realizes the woman he married is former singer Sinead O’Connor. Sure hope he’s not catholic.

Alec Baldwin had a flying sh*t-fit this week, when asked to turn off his phone based video game during take off. An American Airlines air-hostess asked Baldwin to turn off his phone while the plane was in the taxi-way. Baldwin refused and, according to the airline, left his seat and went to the bathroom to continue the game. He caused such a scene that he was escorted from the plane and had to take a later plane.

Baldwin says, much as he was moving to Canada if George Bush won in 2004, that he will never take American Airlines again, at which the bankrupt airline no doubt replies good riddance.

In Baldwin’s defence, he is an idiot.

Harry Morgan (1915-2011):

Henry Morgan is known mostly, and significantly, as Col. Sherman Potter in M*A*S*H from 1975 until it’s end in 1982. As a main character in one of TV’s most popular ever shows, Morgan virtually entered millions of homes every week for almost a decade.

So it is that we sadly say Goodbye, Farewell and Amen to Morgan, who died this week age 96. Morgan died at his home in Los Angeles.

Besides M*A*S*H, Morgan played officer Bill Gannon on Dragnet from 1967 to 1970 and appeared in over 100 movies, including two of my personal favourite oldies, High Noon and the Glenn Miller Story.

Morgan was predeceased by a son, and his wife of 45 years, Eileen and is survived by his second wife, three sons and eight grandchildren.

It was, in short, a life well lived and well worth celebrating.

Britney, Fluffernutter alec baldwin, American Airlines, Britney Spears, Henry Morgan, Kevin Federline, Madonna, Sinead O’Connor, Superbowl

Saturday Fluffernutter: The Girls, Girls, Lindsay Lohan & Girls Edition

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

This is news that would shock my mom: Mariah Carey is the only person ever to give birth. At least, that’s what Carey seems to believe.

I don’t think I understood the enormity and the magnitude of what it (pregnancy) really does to your body: It’s not just , “Oh, you don’t look pretty and you have a bump”…

It’s difficult to understand what I went through because my pregnancy was very unique in terms of what happened to me.

The jaw drops.

…my sister is a multibazillionaire, and I’m homeless…

Madonna’s brother, 55 year old Anthony Ciccone is homeless in Michigan, after losing his job at his father‘s winery. This, apparently, is all Madonna’s fault.

I’m no fan of Madonna, and I’m usually ready to blame her for almost any of the worlds woes, but if you can’t keep a job at your own father’s winery, if you are a 55 year old man who uses the word multibazillionaire with straight face (he also used the phrase, “a bazillion times”), maybe the problem isn’t other people.

Lets see, Mariah, Madonna… who am I missing? Ah yes, Britney.

Ticket prices for Britney Spears Femme Fatale show in Birmingham are being slashed. Originally prices at $88, they are now going for $48 on the website Groupon.com. Rumour is, over half the seats are unsold.

Says a Live Nation spokesman:

Offering a deal on Groupon is not a reflection of the quality… of the show.

No, having Britney Spears on the stage is a “reflection of the quality of the show.” All the rest is just business.

Demi Moore, trying to save her marriage to perrenial tool and man/child, emphasis on child, Ashton Kutcher, visited him on the set of Two and a Half Men last week.

Lets see, Kutcher’s accused of being a cad who bedded a nubile young woman. To help things along, Moore went to the set of his show, where he plays a cad who beds nubile young women.

I’m missing something, aren’t I?

Parole Violation, Shlamole Volation.

I guess Lindsay Lohan wasn’t just lying around awaiting judgement on her parole violation hearing, possibly heading back into custody.

Instead, she headed over to Playboy inc. to have her picture taken for the magazine. The magazine is allegedly paying Lohan $1-million for the shoot of Lohan in nothing but her… well nothing.

Meanwhile, over at FleshLight inc., makers of sex toys, they want in on the action. They are offering Lohan $1-million to launch her own line of sex toys. Included in the offer is a request to make a mold of Lohan’s – ahem – VIP room, to make an “authentic,” Lohan sex toy.

Fluffernutter, Magazine Anthony Ciccone, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, Demi Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Madonna, Mariah Carey, Playboy

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Oprah Winfrey signed off the air this week, finishing her long running TV show, which is arguably the most successful show ever.

Winfrey signed off with a quiet show, just her and her audience, reviewing best of clips through the years. The day before, she put on the “really big shoo,” featuring a multitude of celebrities paying homage to the Queen of daytime talk.

The big O is moving on to running her own TV network, which will feature… a show of her own.

Plus a la change

Jeffery Deaver released his new novel in London this week at St. Pancras Station with champagne, a red Bentley and royal marines rappelling from the roof.

The Book?

So nice to get some new Bond material that doesn’t involve that pouty, wimped out man child Daniel Craig.

Speaking of James Bond, Casino Royale director Martin Campbell has blasted it’s follow-up, Quantum of Solace, as “lousy”:

The truth was it was a lousy film. Casino Royale really set the table for them and I felt they blew it completely. I’m sure Sam (Mendes) will do a good job (directing the next Bond movie). I just hope to God they don’t mess it up..

Look, the truth is, they are both lousy films, and it has nothing to do with directing. God herself could descend from the heavens to direct the next Bond movie, and as long as she keeps Daniel Craig in the lead role, it will be inferior.

Oh, God, she’s back!

Britney Spears is a talentless hack who uses auto-tune on record and lip synchs live.

Somehow though, she just won’t go away. Last weekend at the Billboard Skank and Hoe Awards (hilariously called the Billboard Music Awards), Britney started the show performing with Rihanna. They synched Rihanna’s song S&M by pole dancing in leather bodices while handcuffed.

Pole dancing and handcuffs? Sure sounds like Britney.

Go away!

Amy Winehouse is back in the news, and back in rehab. The super soulful songstress with a voice like Marianne Faithfull and habits to match, checked herself into the Priory Clinic in the UK.

Reports suggest this time out the singer, who’s had a big hit in 2006 with a song called Rehab, is drinking too much.

Fluffernutter 007, Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears, Carte Blanche, Casino Royale, Daniel Craig, Jeffery Deaver, Marianne Faithfull, Martin Campbell, Oprah, Oprah Winfrey, Priory Clinic, Quantum of Solace, Rihanna

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

While Charlie Sheen managed the almost impossible, getting himself fired from three and a half men, CBS has done the unimaginable: made itself look dumber and having less self control than Charlie Sheen.

After a few incidents of wife beating, a scared-hooker-in-the-closet-cocaine-binge, yet another briefcase full of blow and hooker scandal and a judge ordering his children removed from his care, Sheen finally went too far: he insulted his bosses, resulting in his firing from his hit TV show. Since then the Wild Thing has gone somewhat off the deep end with online YouTube rants, bizarre interviews and an upcoming speaking tour where he’ll say God only knows what.

The easy thing for CBS to do is stick to it’s guns, and don’t let him back on his show unless he gets himself straightened out.

So why is CBS now saying they want him back? And will they pay him the $1M more an episode that Sheen has said will be his price to come back? Probably, because stupid things are what enablers do, and CBS has become just that in this sad saga.

Sarah Palin strikes again: Wyclef Jean shot while campaigning in Haiti.

In yet another example of an out of control tea party, singer/guitarist Wyclef Jean was shot while campaigning for Haitian Presidential candidate Michel Martelly. Rapper Busta Rhymes was in the car with Jean when shots were fired at it, grazing the Wyclefian hand.

While no evidence actually exists that the shooting had anything to do with the American Tea Party movement, we all know the Tea Party is not a fan of rap music or men named Jean.

Da proof, after all, is in in da proof.

Lindsay Lohan has decided her problems stem from that age old issue of… her name. What La Lohan needs, says La Lohan to self, is a change of moniker. So, officially, her new name will be…

Lindsay.

No Lohan, just Lindsay.

Yea, that’ll fool the bailiff.

Speaking of Lindsay, she has opted for trial by jury in her case of the pilfered choker. There was rumour she was resigned to the idea of some jail time and was going to accept a plea bargain, but has decided not to accept a plea, and will be judged by a jury of her peers.

A jury of her peers? Who would be on that? Paris Hilton? Britney Spears? The ghost of Dana Plato?

It should be noted that Lindsay has maintained her innocence from the get go, and this case has the stink of mis-understanding gone too far.

Pinetop Perkins (1913-2011)

When you think of the blues masters, you think of young black men of the dust bowl era, moving up and down the Mississippi watershed, playing juke joints and parties for food and whiskey, mostly whiskey. Robert Johnson, dead of poisoning by a jealous boyfriend at 27; Lead Belly, pardoned of murder after singing a song requesting a pardon during Governor Pat Morris Neff‘s visit to Sugar Land Prison; Muddy Waters, who lived long enough to demand his due from the little white boys who would later take up his music and call it their own.

This week, we lost one of those original bluesmen. Pinetop Perkins was originally a guitar player, but changed to piano, becoming the premier boogie woogie piano player.

He played on Sonny Boy Williams King Biscuit Time Radio show. Played with Earl Hooker, recorded with Sam Phillips at Sun studios and replaced Otis Span in the Muddy Waters Band in 1969. My favourite Pinetop Perkins story relates to an arm injury that forced him to stop playing guitar: according to Wikipedia, in true Fluffernutter fashion, he “injured the tendons in his left arm in a fight with a chorus girl.” The life of a bluesman is fraught with peril.

In 2004, the car he was driving was totalled in a crash with a train. The then 91-year old Perkins was uninjured.

Pinetop Perkins played right to the end, playing his local a couple of times a week, and having gigs booked well into this year (Zep Fest 2011 was one event he was booked into). He was the oldest person to win a Grammy, earning the 2010 Best Traditional Blues Album in February, age 97. He was of the last two surviving bluesmen known to have been friends with Robert Johnson.

He died this week in Austin Texas, a life well lived.

RIP Pinetop Perkins

Elizabeth Taylor (1932-2011)

Elizabeth Taylor had classic beauty and violet eyes that stole the hearts of millions. She starred in Lassie movies as a child (with co-star Roddy McDowell), National Velvet at age 12, Cleopatra in 1960 – the largest, most lavish movie made at the time. Some have said in the last week she was the last of the movie stars – and certainly was among the biggest stars of the golden age of film.

Even after she was no longer starring in the big movies of the day, she was still a star, gracing the tabloids ‘til the end, and raising money and awareness for AIDS in the latter years of her life. She was larger than life.

Her health, however, was not always good and she suffered a number of problems through the years. This week she died after spending the last month in hospital with symptoms related to congestive heart failure, age 79. She was surrounded by her four children when she passed.

Fluffernutter Britney Spears, Busta Rhymes, Charlie Sheen, Dana Plato, elizabeth taylor, Lead Belly, Lindsay Lohan, Michel Martelly, Paris Hilton, Pinetop Perkins, Robert Johnson, Sarah Palin, Two and a Half Men, Wyclef Jean, Zep Fest 2011

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Hey, you’re Charlie Sheen. Your executive producer is done with you, your ex-wives are none too pleased, child protection authorities have removed your children and there are people writing op-eds saying things along the lines of websites like this one ought to not be making fun of you, because it’s clear you have a mental illness.
But everybody can’t hate you, right? There must be someone in your corner who doesn’t think you need psychiatric help, yes?

No?

It seems Sheen’s quote last week that he was a “Vatican assassin warlock,” has angered… warlocks. The covenous male witches are angered that he portrayed them in a negative light, or some such true bit of silliness.

Twenty years ago this would have been real news, but is anybody surprised that people are this thin skinned and openly ridiculous anymore? What’s really surprising is that The Pope’s office hasn’t confirmed that Sheen has never worked for the Vatican, as either an assassin or a warlock.

The taxman took down Al Capone, now he’s after the Godfather, Al Pacino.

Tax officials have filed a lien against Pacino for $188,000. Pacino’s people don’t dispute the amount, and say it has to do with the stars former financial advisor Kenneth Starr, who recently admitted to embezzling $30 million from clients.

Pacino, it seems, is going to the bank on this one, not to share a cell with Wesley Snipes.

The inevitable finally happened on Monday night and Charlie Sheen was fired from his long running sitbore, Two and a Half Men.

In an 11-page letter sent to Sheen’s lawyers, Warner Brothers outlined the reasons for the firing. Among the reasons cited is a favourite here at Fluffernutter World Headquarters, “moral turpitude.”

As the tattoo says, “winner.”

Celebrity Tweet: @joanrivers: Charlie Sheen’s brain cells are just like the cast of Celebrity Apprentice. As of today, there are only 15 left.

Lindsay Lohan fights back.

After a surveillance video of Lohan taking a necklace, which resulted in theft charges against Lohan, hit the internet, Lohan hit back against Kamofie & Company.

K&C sold the video to Associated Press for a reported $40,000, after being overwhelmed with requests to see it, thus making it “beyond our control,” to do anything but sell it. Or something.

Lohan, who faces a felony grand theft charge that could see her sent to prison, has sued, claiming K&C had no right to sell her image.

The truth is Lohan is hard to believe sometimes, but a company that sells surveillance footage and then claims doing so was “beyond their control,” are dubious complainants.

Oh, here’s a beauty: Britney Spears – yes that Britney Spears, the skanky, trashy one – believes she is the reincarnation of Audrey Hepburn. As in the classy, graceful, epitome of distinguished lady, most beautiful woman of the 20th century, Audrey Hepburn.

Besides the ego such a statement takes, the complete ignorance in what reincarnation is, is astounding. Britney, you see, was 11 when Audrey Hepburn died. Somewhere the sixteen year old who is the reincarnated Audrey Hepburn is spitting mad, right about now.

Mel Gibson is having a good week. First, he struck a plea deal that avoids a trial and possible jail time in his domestic violence charges. Then, Charlie Sheen has a public breakdown, and nobody even notices Gibson had a court date coming up.

Gibson has pled guilty to simple battery charges, avoiding the corporal injury on a spouse charge he was originally up on. The plea will see Gibson undergo counselling and not receive jail time for his misdemeanour domestic violence.

The charge relates to a fight he had with his ex-girlfirend, Oksana Grigorieva, in January 2010. The two have been engaged in a bitter split and custody battle over their baby daughter, Lucia.

Lady Gaga Goes Gogo: She may be that kind of girl, but she’s not that kind of girl. Lady Gaga is upset that a company in Britain selling breast milk ice cream calls itself Baby Gaga Ice Cream.

Apparently she thinks it’s offensive to have her name associated with minors, or something. She has threatened to sue the company, who make the ice cream of breast milk, vanilla beans and lemon zest.

Somewhere, I smell a PR disaster for gogoGaga, who was criticized in the last week for appearing on stage scantily dressed with a 10 year old, and wearing a dress made of meat: but don’t dare invoke my name when selling breast mile ice cream! Sigh.

I am so tired of these pop tartlets who make a career out of offending the populous, and then are so easily offended. Get a sense of humour, a real one where you can laugh at yourself as well as others, or get off the stage.

Fluffernutter Al Pacino, Audrey Hepburn, Baby Gaga Ice Cream, Britney Spears, Charlie Sheen, Kamofie & Company, Kenneth STarr, Lady Gaga, Lindsay Lohan, Mel Gibson, Oksana Grigorieva, Pope, Two and a Half Men, Vatican, Warlocks, Warner Brothers

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

The James Bond franchise will continue, after it was announced the next instalment in the classic franchise will go forth, with a Nov 9, 2012 release date. Daniel Craig will return as the super spy for the third time. It will be directed by the former Mr. Kate Winslet, Sam Mendes and Michael Sheen is being talked about for the villian, a reincarnated blofeld.

It looked for a while like the Bond franchise was finished, as Craig almost fulfilled prophesy and ruined the iconic brand with his petulant boy spy variation on the suave, sophisticated super spy. Fortunately, the franchise is stronger than one bad lead, and now that parent MGM is returning to financial health, the 23rd Bond movie looks like a go.

Now about that Bond girl…

If it seems to you radio ain’t what it used to be, evidence that you are right: Britney Spears new song “Hold it Against Me,” broke a new record for most radio plays in one day upon it’s release Monday. In other words, according to the morons who run the radio you listen too, Britney Spears Hole it Against Me is among the greatest songs.

Radio: just another medium who’s end can’t come soon enough.

Greatest song ever or not, the Bellamy Brothers are claiming it’s not the most original song. It is, claim the Bellamy’s, a little close to they’re 1979 hit, If I said You Had Beautiful Body.

While they songs may resemble each other lyrically, it need to be said that The Bellamy Brothers never induced the flush reflex quite the same way as the new Spears floater does.

David Nelson (1936-2011)

David Nelson was a University student when he convinced his mom and dad, Ozzy and Harriet Nelson, to let him join their successful TV show. His younger brother, Ricky, was already a teen star due to the show. He played a fictional version of himself in the show, as did the rest of his family.

David died this week of complication from Colon Cancer. He was the last surviving cast member from the long running Ozzy and Harriet Show.

David Nelson was 74. May he Rest in Peace

Fluffernutter Bellamy Brothers, Bond 23, Britney Spears, Daniel Craig, David Nelson, Hold it Against ME, If I said You Had Beautiful Body, James Bond, Kate Winslet, Michael Sheen, Ozzy and Harriet, Ricky Nelson, Sam Mendes

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Actor “extraordinaire” and hot head regulaire Sean Penn could be facing up to 18 months in jail for assaulting a photographer last October in the Los Angeles suburb of Brentwood. This is Penn’s umpteenth altercation with photographers and he spend 60 days in jail in 1987 for assaulting a photographer. Of course, in 1987 he was 26. Now at 49 he should know better than to go around kicking people. The fact he doesn’t means he should spend more than 60 days in jail, and if I were the judge he’d see the full 18 months he’s entitled to.

It’s Palin week on the networks as former VP candidate Sarah will be guesting on NBC’s new relaunched Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Tuesday. Meanwhile her daughter Bristol will play Bristol Palin on an episode of  The Secret Life of an American Teenager about teenage pregnancy. The episode will air sometime in the summer.

Whitney Houston is working on her big comeback, trying to revive a career derailed by a bad drug habit and a worse marriage. She was in Australia for a series of concerts this week, but things have not gone as planned. The concerts have been panned, Houston described as “croaking through the show,” took a twenty minute break after six songs. All this would be excusable in the past, but we all know tickets were over $100 a piece, and for that kind of money people reasonably expect a professional performance.

Australians aren’t new to letting performers know when it isn’t good enough. Last year they complained bitterly and demanded refunds when Britney Spears was discovered to be lip syncing during her Australian tour.

Celebrity Tweet of the Week: @lance Armstrong Back from a nice/easy 4 hr. ride. Well it was nice til that cat decided to run right in front of me and I go ass over bandbox.

Andrew Koenig – 1968-2010

Actor Andrew Koenig, who played Boner on the 1980’s sitcom Growing Pains disappeared in Vancouver on Valentines day.  He was due back in Los Angeles on the 16th, but never appeared. His body was discovered this Thursday in Stanley Park, death by what appears to be suicide. he was 41.

One can only offer heartfelt condolences to his family, including his father, actor Walter Koenig, who played Pavel Chekov on Star Trek.

Fluffernutter Andrew Koenig, Bobby Brown, Brentwood, Bristol Palin, Britney Spears, Growing Pains, Jay Leno, Lance Armstrong, Sarah Palin, Sean Penn, The Secret Life of an American Teenager, Tonight Show, Walter Koenig, Whitney Houston

One likes to believe in the freedom of music.

Rush – Spirit of Radio.

What happened? When did music become so bad? I don’t know what it is lately, but I feel like the whole music industry has fallen over a cliff. Good God, who are these people who have taken that which was so vital in our lives, and fucking ruined it?

I recently read a book by a guy called Dave Thompson called I Hate New Music: The Classic Rock Manifesto. He frankly makes far too many good points to write off as a crank. Good point 1: even if you think a new song is good, will you be listening to it in a year, five years, ten years from now? I know that answer, because I’ve fallen for it too many times. Good point 2: You want to know how hard the mighty can fall? From “In My Time of Dying” to “Radioactive.” That’s how hard.

Thompson cites the end of good music as coming from between 1976 and 1978. Boston’s debut album was the beginning of the end, not because it was a bad album, but because it was so carefully crafted, and sold so many copies. By 1978 these carefully crafted albums were also selling millions:

Infinity by Journey.
You Can Tune a Piano but you Can’t Tuna Fish by REO Speedwagon.
Don’t Look Back by Boston.
The Cars by The Cars
Double Vision by Foreigner
Toto by Toto
Pieces of Eight by Styx
Hemispheres by Rush

Never again would a band go into the studio for 18 days, and come out with a masterworks like Led Zeppelin did with 1976’s Presence. Now, the music was a commodity, to be manufactured to maximize sales.

Think I exaggerate? Think the state of the music world is just fine? Riddle me this, who was the hottest selling act this week? If you answered the not guilty of paedophilia in the strictly OJ Simpson sense of the word, Michael Jackson, the freakiest freak in freakville, give yourself ten points.  The spastic, hasn’t demonstrated an ounce of talent in twenty years, and no more than that ever, Jackson was selling out 50 shows at London’s 02 arena. 50 shows sold out in 5 hours. Never mind music, what has gone wrong in our world when that many people will pay approximately $100 each to see this thing, this diddler? But hey, it’s the hottest show in music, which really should be the end of this rant. What could possibly follow to demonstrate that the world of music is no longer worth your attention?

Britney Spears, that’s what. She’s doing wonderful business in her comeback tour. This weeks New York show had the ever awful Madonna in attendance.  Despite favourable reviews (well one) Madonna caused a stir when she left mid-show. Now clear your head and ponder that one item. In the middle of a concert, Madonna leaves and that’s the news.  Would they have shut down the tour if she yawned mid-performance? Why would any body care that Madonna left? Surely they were paying attention to the singer on stage? Alas, there was no singer. The lady dancing, sans musicians, with the top hat and microphone, she was lip syncing. The whole show, except the one time when she said, “Peace, New York.” People paid up to $750 to see Britney Spears not sing? Which is, I suspect, about $745 more than they would pay to hear her sing. But fear not, merchandise, including $150 velvet ensembles and $30 knockoff top hats, flew off the shelves.  Because, you see, post 1978, it’s about the merchandise.

It’s too easy, however, to blame all that’s wrong with the music business on Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, even Madonna. Largely accurate in many ways, but easy.  When Kiss recorded their first live album, Paul Stanley can be heard at one point asking the audience, “do you believe in rock and roll?” After an affirmative cheer, he commands the audience, “stand up for what you believe in.” This was before the invention of the Kiss Army, of which I was an inaugural member, but I have no doubt listening to Kiss Alive now that the audience followed this command like an army following an order.  Yes! we believed in Rock and roll, and Yes! we would stand up for what we believed in. That’s what we thought then, music wasn’t a commodity, it was a movement. We hated disco because it threatened our way of life, our core belief.  Disco was the Taliban, circa 1975 and liking disco was a subversive act. Disco died away for many reasons, not the least of which because there was a Kiss Army to kick it’s ass.

So why was Kiss’ resident demon/fire breather/blood spitter, Gene Simmons, in Toronto this week peddling baby clothes? Because Kiss is a commodity, that’s why. Because while the Kiss Army may have believed in rock and roll, the members themselves have long believed in the commodification thereof. Because in 1978, when Kiss was releasing comic books, it stopped being about the music.  And now, thirty years later, it really is that bad.

The Freedom of Music 02 arena, 1976, 1978, Boston, Britney Spears, Dave Thompson, Don't Look Back, Double Vision, Foreigner, Freedom, Hemispheres, I Hate New Music, I Hate New Music: The Classic Rock Manifesto, In My Time of Dying, Infinity, Journey, Kiss, Kiss Alive!, Kiss Army, Led Zeppelin, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Music, Pieces of Eight, Presence, Radioactive, REO Speedwagon, Rush, Styx, Taliban, The Cars, The Classic Rock Manifesto, Toto, You Can Tune a Piano but you Can't Tuna Fish