At Home in Hespeler

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Life in Prison:

No, not another Lindsay Lohan story. In this case it’s Joseph Hyuangmin Son, more commonly known as Austin Powers villain Random Task.

Son was convicted of a 1990 Christmas Eve gang rape in Huntington Beach California. DNA evidence was unable to connect the actor to the rape until 2008.

He was sentenced this week to life in prison.

I’m not sure, but I’m guessing that life in prison in California is a bit nastier than taking up painting, the way Ms. Lohan performed her less severe sentence.

Oh, this can’t be good. There’s a new show coming up called H8R (hater, for those of us over 40 (IQ) who don’t get the abbreviations kids are using these days), in which the some celebrity confronts an on-line “hater.”

Hosted by Mario Lopez, H8R sets up scenarios where celebrities ambush their biggest haters… the celebrity then spends a little time with the hater, to try and change his or her mind.

Jersey Shores Snooki, for example, walks up to one of her haters and says, “I saw your rant about me. You don’t even know me. What is wrong with you?”

A battle of wits with Snooki? The knees tremble at the thought. Good thing I have no clue who she is and don’t think I’ve ever mentioned her before.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going out front to wait Sean Penn and Mario Lopez.

The envelopes are still sealed, but we already know Paul McCartney will be one of the winners at the 54th annual Grammy Awards on Feb 10th.

McCartney is going to be honoured as the 2012 MusiCares Person of the Year for both his “creative accomplishments and his charitable work.”

The 69 year old Knight has won 14 Grammy’s previously.

On Wayne’s World, Wayne and Garth attend an Aerosmith concert. Trying to access the backstage area after the show, Wayne protests to the security guard, “my girlfriend is back there.”

“A lot of guys girlfriends are back there,” the security guard replies.

It’s one thing being a young man, and losing the girlfriend to Aerosmith. It happens. It’s another world altogether when your middle aged, and the guy guarding the backstage area of the Casino, where the guys from Journey are popping Geritoil and drinking Midol, says, “A lot of guys wives are back there.”

If you are one half of publicity hound couple, and White House gate crashers, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, that’s exactly what you were told, figuratively if not literally.

Tareq reported “Real Housewife of DC” Michaele missing this week, claiming she was kidnapped. She wasn’t.

It turns out she had run off with Journey guitarist Neal Schon, and didn’t want Tareq to know where she was. “She and Neil are together, in Memphis, for Journey’s concert tonight,” Journey representatives Scoop Marketing announced.

Translation: a lot of guys wives are back there!

First no Mario Lopez at my door, now I don’t receive a cease and desist from Scarlett Johansson’s lawyer.

Doing a celebrity column, it is possible I should hang my head in shame and I accept this judgement.

This week two pictures of Johansson, wearing nothing but her Keds, as the old song goes, was leaked online. The catch is, she took the picture herself. The leak itself seems to be the work of hackers, and therefore, the picture itself is illegally acquired. Hence, the ceases and desists.

Maybe if I say some nasty things about Ms. Johansson, she will knock on my door and ask, “what is wrong with you?”

Fluffernutter Aerosmith, Joseph Hyuangmin Son, Journey, Mario Lopez, Michaele Salahi, Neal Schon, Paul McCartney, Random Task, Scarlett Johannson, Sean Penn, Snooki, Tareq Salahi

One likes to believe in the freedom of music.

Rush – Spirit of Radio.

Gibson Guitars had a list of the top 50 front men (and women) of all time on their webpage. Actually, they had two lists: one put together by Josh Todd of Buckcherry, Chad Kroeger of Nickelback and Ric Olsen of Berlin, plus staff at Gibson.com. The other list was chosen by readers. Here’s the top 10 of each list:

Gibson

1.Mick Jagger
2. Freddie Mercury
3. Robert Plant
4. Elvis
5. James Brown
6. Jimi Hendrix
7. Michael Jackson
8. Roger Daltrey
9. Prince
10. Jim Morrison

Readers

1. Freddie Mercury
2. Bruce Dickinson (Iron Maiden)
3. Marc Bolan
4. Bon Scott
5. Robert Plant
6. Brian Johnson
7. Mick Jagger
8. Bono
9. Robin Zander
10. Elvis

We can pick and natter about the list, and ultimately that’s what these lists are for. So lets:

Really? Freddie Mercury is pretty much the undisputed best? Really?? While the “experts” pick Jagger, the readers placed him well enough down the list to make Freddie indisputable. One suspects however that too many fans think of Mick circa 2005, or 1995, when he looked like a skeletal old man refusing to acknowledge his age. Longevity has it’s curses…

There is an argument to be made that Elvis wasn’t really a front man, he was the act. And if we are allowing guys like Elvis, why not Frank Sinatra? Could you make a list of front men, and not have Sinatra on the top 25, never mind the top 50? Hell, Neil Diamond is there. And not to pick on Elvis, the same questions apply to Jackie Wilson, Otis Redding, Garth Brooks and, too a lesser degree, Chuck Berry, Little Richard and Elton John &tc….

And what’s this about Stephen Tyler being at #11 on the Gibson list and #22 on the fan list, yet Rod Stewart is #22 on the Gibson and doesn’t make the fan list? People don’t seem to realize how much Tyler copped Stewart’s Faces act. Oh, I know, I know, he copped Jagger not Stewart. Except other than looking kinda, sorta like Jagger, there is little comparison. He dresses more like an early 70’s Keith than Mick, but his stage stuff is all Stewart. The scarves hanging off the microphone, the dragging the mike stand around the stage. All Rod, before Aerosmith came along. Granted, Tyler uses silk scarves and Stewart football scarves, but that’s details. The point is, if Stephen Tyler is to be so high on the list (and don’t get me wrong, he belongs up there), then Faces era Stewart belongs in that neighbourhood.

Quibbles and Bits,however, as the dog is always saying when we argue philosophy (these discussions usually involve vodka). If Gibson readers think Freddie Mercury over Bruce Dickinson, then I’ll not argue. He wouldn’t top my list – and you know there’ll be a list – but then again, Bruce Dickinson? Not on my list.

Dickinson and Robin Zander. When I said top front men, did Bruce Dickinson and Robin Zander come to mind? Iron Maiden and Cheap Trick’s front men? Is Zander even Cheap Trick’s guy, wouldn’t Rick Neilson really qualify as Cheapest Trick? But lets face reality. A couple of fan web sites put fans on notice there was a readers poll and a “lets get Robin to the top of the list,” button. Even accounting for that, however, Marc Bolan? Who’d a thunk it?

For those who don’t know, Marc Bolan was the leader of T. Rex, although that was by no means his only band. T. Rex had a significant American hit with Bang a Gong. Bolan was their singer and guitar player, had male model good looks (in fact he did some modelling), the requisite big curly hair, and played a Les Paul on stage. He is credited with inventing Glam Rock, what we here in America tended to call Glitter. Think Ziggy Stardust era David Bowie, and you have Glam (or think Cherrie Currie dressing up as David Bowie in “The Runaway’s” and you’re there).

T. Rex released nine albums from 1970-1977, a decent output, to put it mildly. In fact, Bolan’s discography is impressive. In September 1977, however, Bolan was killed in a car crash, a passenger in a purple mini, in London. He was two weeks shy of being 30.

The thing is, I have never, ever, had somebody mention how good Marc Bolan is to me. In all the years, and all the music conversations, never once has his name even come up. It’s not a name that would have ever occurred to me. And to be clear, I’m not poo-poohing the idea that Bolan is the third best front man ever: I have no idea if he is or not. I have zero frame of reference.

Or at least I had no frame of reference. What did we do before the internet? Before YouTube?

Marc Bolan fan: Marc Bolan is the greatest.
me: Is he now?
Marc Bolan fan: Don’t argue with me, I’m telling you
me: Never seen ‘im.
Marc Bolan fan: Well you should check out… um…er…

But with YouTube, there he is, in full purple colour (the 70’s were incredible for music, but they really were a crime against fashion). He is more charismatic than athletic, all good looks and pretty smile. The physical manifestations of the job he leaves for others, the heavy Les Paul keeps him pretty rooted in spot. But for that, he’s not bad. I see what they are talking about, although he’s not about to make my list.

My list: you knew it was coming… here it is, my list of the top ten (plus some)front men (and women).

1. Roger Daltrey – he moved constantly, he had all that blonde curly hair. He had the most powerful voice in rock, and didn’t have trouble singing on stage. He would twirl his microphone by the cord sending it twenty feet in the air and during Who Are You he ran on the spot through the whole song. In Won’t Get Fooled Again he offered up the greatest scream in rock and roll, that counts here.

2. Mick Jagger – Not tired old guy circa now Mick Jagger, but the young Mick Jagger that preened and pranced. Pre 1980’s Mick who exuded sexuality out of every pore. Once he put on the knee pads it was pretty much over, but I’ll even give him the knee pads tour of 1981. Mick pretty much invented the genre and virtually everybody else is an imitator to one degree or another. He deserves to be much higher than seven.

3. Robert Plant – The best band in the world, bar none (even the dog doesn’t argue that point with me). By a long, long shot. Heads and shoulders above the next. So how low can their front man be? Not below 3, that’s how low.

4. Bruce Springsteen – Even now he fronts an energy packed band, never stopping, never seeming to breathe for two, two-and-a-half, three hours. If you’ve never seen him, it’s exhausting. And yet, those in the know will tell you he’s nothing compared to what he was in 1978.

5. Janis Joplin – Rent the DVD Festival Express and skip to Cry Baby. Those chills running up and down your spine, that’s why Janis Joplin is not just the token woman on this list.

6. Russel Mael – Every one who makes one of these lists, every critic needs their obscure, arty band to prove their bona fides: Sparks are mine.

7. Stephen Tyler – He really is good, no matter who did what first.

8. Alice Cooper – He hung himself, onstage, with mascara running down his face. He wore a boa constrictor for a necklace. He danced with a corpse, and with skeletons in top hat and tails (with walking sticks, naturally). That stuff counts for something.

9. Rod Sewart – Of the Faces, not of Do You Think I’m Sexy. He tied scarves around his mike, duct taped the mic to the stand and taught Stephen Tyler how it’s done – the tutu is a but much though.

10. Freddie Mercury – I have no frame of reference having never seen Queen live or watched any Queen concert footage, but if he’s #2 for the Gibson experts and #1 for their readers, that’s good enough for me.

10a. Elton John – The electric boots, the mohair suits: OK that technically isn’t Elton John, but he has worn both. Also, he has dressed by like Luis XIV, worn oversized glasses with windshield wipers on them and played Crocodile Rock on stage opposite a crocodile. At the end of the day, this is supposed to be entertainment.

10b. Ian Hunter – The shades, the rock star hair and cockney accent. Ian Hunter was still doing Glam in 1980, and getting away with it. You couldn’t get away with Glam in 1980.

10c. J.Geils – More fun on stage than anybody you have ever seen, that has to count for something.

10d. David Lee Roth – He can jump microphone high, and do the splits. He wore yellow jumpsuits. He once said, “I’m not like this because I’m a rock star; I’m a rock star because I’m like this.” Some people are born to be front men, some have front men-ish-ness thrust upon them. Diamond Dave is of the former.

10e. Bob Seger – Since we’re allowing Bruce Springsteen…
The most fun you will ever have at a concert.

The Freedom of Music, The Mighty Zep, This Week on my I-Pod Aerosmith, Bruce Dickinson, Cerrie Currie, David Bowie, Elvis Presley, Faces, Frank SInatra, Freddie MErcury, James Brown, Kieth Richards, Marc Bolan, Mick Jagger, Neil Diamond, Queen, Robert Plant, Robin Zander, Rod Stewart, Rolling Stones, Stephen Tyler, The Runaways, The Who

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Mr. Zeta Jones, Actor Michael Douglas, announced this week he was diagnosed with throat cancer. Mr. Jones will undergo chemotherapy and is “very optimistic,” of a full recovery.

Back in June his son Cameron, from a previous marriage, was sentenced to five years in prison for dealing methamphetamine and possessing heroin. Which just goes to show, even Kirk Douglas’s son, who’s married to Catherine Zeta Jones can have a shitty go of things.

You can, in fact, have it all and legitimately wonder, “why me?”

****************
Update: Later in the week reports indicate Michael Douglas could lose his voice during the treatment.

Remember Joaquin Phoenix and the beard? He quit acting to become a rapper, then grew a big hippy beard (because that’s what all the rappers are wearing this Woodstock).  Remember the David Letterman non-interview? Remember there was speculation that it was a fake, a sham? All part of a documentary he was making with Casey Affleck? That was denied. “Oh no, this is real,” he protested.

Yea, all fake. The Casey Afflek documentary on Phoenix’s year as a non-rapping rapper will be released in September.

What a wanker.

Aerosmith front man Stepehen Tyler, back on stage after missing the past year when he broke his shoulder falling off a stage, fell off the stage in Toronto this week. Reports are that guitarist Joe Perry bumped Tyler while playing Love in an Elevator. Tyler returned to the stage and joked, “not this time.”

The story as I heard it was Tyler angrily told Perry, “not this time.” A bit of a battle between the Aerosmith frontmen ensued.

Don’t know which story is true, but I like mine better. And if you’re falling off the stage is becoming regular, are you , to borrow Ian Anderson’s phrase, too old to rock and roll?

Soungarden bassist Ben Shepherd is one happy bottom ender that Soundgarden is doing the always profitable reunion gig. Shepherd is “broke and technically homeless.” And these are the good times:

My whole life seemed over (in the late 1990’s). Soundgarden broke up; my other band, Hater, broke up; my fiancee broke up with me, and then I broke three ribs.

I got addicted to pain pills, drank a ton, and wound up OD’ing on morphine. I was laid out in my house for five days, and no one knew it. It was a f**king horrible time.

I saw the Jennifer Aniston ugly duckling photo shoot last week: the one where she makes herself up to look just like Barbara Streisand. A fine example of how to turn beauty butt ugly in one make-up session.

Want to know what my reaction was: “glad I never laminated that list.”

But this Thursday she was on Regis and Kelly, when she said about the photo shoot:

I play dress up. I do it for a living – like a retard.

Cue the professionally aggrieved, specifically Pete Burns, CEO of Arc:

I was extraordinarily offensive and inappropriate. Frankly, someone in her position ought to know better.

Someone in her position? What, an actress? A fairly average actress who if it wasn’t for the fact she has a very cute, girl next door thing going on you would never have heard of? She should know better than who? The President?

You know who should know better than to say really stupid, intellectually challenged, things: people with CEO on the business card.

Fluffernutter Aerosmith, Ben Shepherd, Cameron Douglas, Casey Affleck, Catherine Zeta Jones, David Letterman, Ian Anderson, Jethro Tull, Joaquin Phoenix, Joe Perry, Michael Douglas, Soungarden, Stephen Tyler, Too Old to Rock and Roll

All the fluffy news about those nutty celebrities

Seventies rock band that simply refuse to accept a good embalming, Aerosmith, may be breaking up. “Steven [Singer Steven Tyler] quit as far as I can tell,” according to guitarist Joe Perry. The band hasn’t performed together since Tyler fell off a stage in August and  canceled their summer tour. It was the worst fall in rock and roll since Kieth Richards fell out of the coconut tree, giving immortality to the tree, and several nearby coconuts.

So Kate Gosselin has spent the summer polishing her resume, appearing on such staple network TV shows as The Today show, and guest-co-hosting on The View. Ex-husband Jon? He was on The Insider with ex-Bristol Palin guy-pal Levi Johnson Sunday.  Johnson said of Gosselin, “he’s a good guy… he’s getting the same bad image as I am and it ain’t true. I can relate to that.” 

Good Lord Jon! Levi Johnson? Are you paying attention to what’s happening to the shambles of your career?  Has anybodies star dropped so far so fast since Fatty Arbuckle?

Review in Brief – Men who Talk to Goats: (as told to me in two independent conversations). This would be a great movie to see stoned

Breaking News: Steven Tyler is not leaving Aerosmith. Tyler appeared on stage with Perry during a solo show to promote Perry’s new release, Have Guitar Will Travel, to announce he is still the singer for Aerosmith. He then sang Walk This Way with Perry’s band without falling off the stage or any kind of tropical tree.  

Boxer Mike Tyson was arrested this week after allegedly punching a photographer in LA. There was a time when if Tyson punched some photographer, the photographer would be on life support. Instead, he made a citizens arrest of Tyson, who also made a citizens arrest on the photog. The 50 year old paparazzi had none of his ears bitten off during the battle.

Breaking news. Aerosmith guitarist Joe Perry fell out of a coconut tree, landing on Kieth Richards and causing Steven Tyler to announce he will never sing with the Rolling Stones again, unless, of course, he’s asked.

Fluffernutter Aerosmith, Fatty Arbuckle, Have Guitar Will Travel, Joe Perr, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Kieth Richards, Levi Johnson, Mike Tyson, Rolling Stones, Steven Tyler, The Insider, The Today Show, The View