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Santa In The News

December 22nd, 2006

April Brandon, a reporter with the Victoria Advocate, has a jaw dropping interview with Santa Claus. An admission that he was once a Bishop? What will Jack Layton say? What will Justice Marion Cohen say? That he used to give dolls to girls and boys? What will George Bush say? What will Ezra Levant say? And he is 1781 years old? And what kind of gall does it take to ask Santa what your getting this year, never mind if your on the nice list? And “what do you do when you come to a house without a chimney on Christmas Eve?”

My God! The scandal!

Meanwhile, Francis P. Church opines that Yes Virginia, There is a Santa Claus:

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun:

“I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.

Papa says, ‘If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.

“Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon

115 West Ninety-Fifth Street”

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.

You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

In the past weeks, meanwhile, it was revealed Ottawa spied on Tommy Douglas, reports on Washington’s spying on John Lennon were released, now comes news that Norad may illegally be spying on Santa Claus:

The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD), the bi-national U.S. and Canadian military organization responsible for the air defense of the United States and Canada, will be closely tracking Santa’s movements this Christmas Eve.

Tracking Mr. Claus begins with the NORAD radar system called the North Warning System, said Master Sgt. John Tomassi, the director of NORAD. He said the system consists of satellites located 22,300 miles above the Earth that detect Rudolph’s nose, which gives off an infrared signal.

This has been going on for fifty years? where has the MSM been on this issue? Apparently, Santa is a republican, how else to explain so little noise over this harassment.

And what’s this about Rudolph and infrared? Does Rona Ambrose know about this? Does Stephan Dion? And when is Jack Layton and Elizabeth May going to save us from Rudolph’s nose?

You know the terrorists have won, h0wever, when Santa needs a fighter escort on Christmas eve:

Norad also uses jets, either F-15s or F-16s, to help escort Saint Nick across North America. Those jets are equipped with Santa Cams that capture images of Santa and his reindeer.

No presents in those Talibanese stockings this year! You and the little ones can keep an eye on Santa yourself here.

Then there is the aggrivation of having to pass his transport Canada safety checks every single year:

OTTAWA, Dec. 21 /CNW Telbec/ – Santa Claus passed his medical test with
flying colours, announced Transport Canada today. Although his physician
suggested he eat fewer cookies this holiday season, his blood pressure is fine
and his eyesight is very good. Regular medical tests are part of the
requirements that pilots need to meet to obtain and keep their licence.
Another requirement for pilots, including Santa Claus, is to show their
flying ability and knowledge through a number of manoeuvres. This is done
through a flight simulator test and/or a check ride. Santa Claus also passed
this requirement.
A Transport Canada inspector travelled to the North Pole to conduct
Santa’s check ride. Santa made sure the sleigh was washed and the reindeer
were clean. The inspector checked the equipment by walking around the sleigh,
checking the harnesses, the landing gear and even Rudolph’s nose. He also verified Santa’s logbook and made sure all of Santa’s paperwork was in order.

Santa has to keep a logbook and pass a physical every year? At 1781 years old? Good God, what with being harassed by Washington, Ottawa, the terrorists, nosey reporters and sceptical little girls, it’s a wonder he doesn’t call in sick-of-Christmas


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